Score: 10

"Nasty, nasty, nasty (but still very funny!)"

submission: Searching For Souls

date: February 2, 2005

I can't understand why people don't satirize the Prince of Darkness as much as Retarded Animal Babies, or this flash! I know potheads and pricks-in-general get a flogging. Nobody ever spoofs supernatural entities bent on sucking you into hell for an eternity.

Tomfoolery like crank calls is best paired with animation, especially when THE SOUND IS CRISP AND CLEAR. The Opie & Anthony skits don't come close, particularly in terms of art style or execution.

Just take a soundboard, record it as you repeatedly crank someone, and figure out some screwy animation to accompany the audio track. Homophobic tirades can be devised from the Full Metal Jacket Deluxe Soundboard, for example.

This flash ought to set a trend, and I'll be happy--5 out of 5.

Score: 10

"A quick, easy joke for the whole family"

submission: Magical Trevor2

date: February 2, 2005

It's short, it loops, it's funny, and we can sing along (give us a lyric sheet!), it's MAGICAL TREVOR! Okay, while we're discussing the Ragu in Aisle 2, I have a joke for you, too!

Two lovely statues, a man and woman, bordering a fountain in a secluded garden, are magically animated into human form by an angel, who descends upon the enchanting summer scene. They turn to the angel, and she speaks.

"God has granted you a chance to fulfill your desires after centuries of being in this garden together!" The two statues are ecstatic. "Just be quick," quipped the angel. "You only have about fifteen minutes!"

So the giddy statues fly into the bushes, there's interesting noises and all, and they return eight minutes later, looking radiantly happy. The angel smiles, but checking her watch, asks, "Excuse me, but you have seven minutes... go for two?"

"Great idea!" The lady statue said. She turns to her mate and says, "This time, you hold the pigeon, while I get to shit on it!"

Score: 5

"Solid concept, bad animation, technical laziness"

submission: The Media

date: February 2, 2005

The Parker-Stone dudes detail issues without technical glitter to interfere, using Paper Cut animation or marionette shows. To emulate that, Afro Ninja and FerociousSpec, inspired by a Simpsons gag (cheers--and jeers--to anyone who remembers the episode and its context) about yellow journalism, create a flash composed, sadly, of uninspired scripting and poor that drag solid voices and concepts down. It's a poorly executed joke, you see.

Though gritty by necessity, that's no excuse for sloppy editing. The gap between two people conversing is between one-half to three seconds, which causes "Dead Air," drags cartoon length, slays the timing of jokes, and prevents the solid voices from resembling actual conversations. And it might be compression, but the sound is badly muffled. This isn't quite South Park grit--it's just plain sloppy.

The subject matter remains ever-poignant. Mass media's abuse of power can be traced to 19th century yellow journalism that sparked the Spanish-American war. They know how they shape popular opinion, but they still might abuse it. It's just a shame this flash couldn't have said it better than it did--3 out of 5.

Score: 7

"Excellent Visual Feast Plagued by Poor Timing..."

submission: FF: Mixed in Balamb2(1/3)

date: February 1, 2005

FF: Mixed in Balamb II's stellar production of visuals and voice casting seems to lag with lengthy produciton times, a hackneyed script (with recycled gags), and lengthy visuals that cripple the Flash's attempts at humor.

The 5-7 team pays tribute to Tetsuya Nomura's style, the artist behind Final Fantasy VII, VIII, X, and X-2, with a paintbrush program and their wits. However, this took four months to create stunning visuals. Next time, employ a "Judo" philosophy into production: maximum yield through minimal effort (e.g., purchase an art program, logically divide the labor, et cetera).

And polish the script with total gratuity--one-liner after one-liner. Not a profanity flood. The timing and frequency, the essentials of comedy, were off. Long-winded cinematics, the production's crux, are somewhat to blame. And awesome voice talents struggled with an uninspired script that borrows too heavily from the original.

And regardless of drawbacks, this Flash is STILL worth the fan's time!

Score: 10

"How Did You Get This Through?"

submission: 8-Bitch5: EvilOnTheAttack

date: January 27, 2005

For something so plotless (though it darts in and out of the comic's progression, notably Red Mage's introduction), it makes you laugh. Utterly comprised of total random absurdity, in jest of flash animations in general (it can't be from just one stinking web comic, folks), it sets out with a purpose to satirize 8-Bit theatre and comes out on top. People found a way to make South Park even more grotesque than it already is, and this reminds me of something that Anthony Hurrel would do.

I read the author's comments (boy, there were a lot of comments). I understood the consequences. And I discovered all the really sexual content revolved around Dark Elf Fighter's DICK! Everything else worked, though! It made me laugh terribly hard to see Brian Clevinger's work be "put to the question" (an obscure, Elizabethan euphemism for torture), and I'm a fan of that comic.

Stick to your satirical guns, though. I hope this review doesn't entertain you the way you want it to, but I will say that I LOVE YOUR WORK! Poke fun. Keep the flash artists on their toes.

Score: 8

"Edward Gorey..."

submission: Square Beanz

date: January 26, 2005

I do not know who this Edward Gorey is, and if your flash is an attempt to emulate his style, then I can't judge the authenticity. What I can say is that it's really on the dark gray side of humanity, and this plotless meandering you do with this guy... is odd.

The intent of the piece lies elsewhere from entertaining a common audience. There is Noir to be seen on Newgrounds, but I don't think this qualifies as that. Square Beanz, in a very basic silent film setting, has the guy take off his pants with his shoes on and dance for joy over performing such a feat. Okay? That's just odd.

You made me smile, here, though I didn't laugh out loud (it probably wouldn't have been appropriate, anyway). There's someone on Newgrounds who believes that Flash animation can be considered a high-end art. Whether or not your intent was "art" doesn't matter--but fifty years will pass and this will be venerated in a museum or archive... rest assured.

Score: 0

"Flash as a Political Document?"

submission: T E R R O R

date: January 23, 2005

What others think doesn't matter to the maker of this flash, and that attitude is deadly. Criticizing the American war against terror is one thing, but this flash does so... poorly. Any self-respecting orator of political rhetoric must understand the other side, provide alternatives and evidence, and at the very least show some respect for those who disagree.

This flash fails in all four counts, to a fatal degree. It churns up another tirade against Bush, his supporters, and how they suppress Iraqi freedom (while soldiers die in an attempt at creating a stable democracy there?). This Michael Moore mentality must stop, really. This flash is too one-sided to be believeable.

Both ends of the American political spectrum might not appeal to the newer American generations, but protesting how babies die by American hands in Iraq is how those soldiers will become troubled and hated veterans--that's understood on an historical level. Face it: people will support this war until they have better reasons not to--other than an unpopular president.

Score: 9

"Fine Finish... Recommended for western fans!"

submission: Quickdraw

date: January 23, 2005

Western-themed games are rare these days. I won't buy "Red Dead Revolver" since developer "Rockstar Games" is notorious for using innumerable cliches (convince me with a straight face that the Grand Theft Auto series could possibly prove otherwise). It's a travesty to see so many shooters on Newgrounds without a western edge.

This game has two drawbacks: Part Two is too predictable in terms of enemy placements, and the boss battle hit direction is poor. Barrels didn't explode when I shot them, so you might want to consider some revisions. The game compensates greatly with Part One's concepts. I saw this idea in a samurai game, but that one gave you a split second to respond. This model is vastly superior. All you need are proper typing and reflexes. And the shotgun's "Kick," emulated by the cross-hairs turning invisible, aptly captures the effect of a real shotgun.

This solid, western-styled shooter sends water to once parched wastes, though things could have been tweaked further.

Score: 10

"EXCELLENT!"

submission: The Intern

date: January 21, 2005

Now, this is how a flash should be made: long, hilarious, and in minimal memory amounts! The Intern picked up power with each and every joke, eventually making me laugh constantly, and wouldn't END. I expected something shorter with that file size.

Being so talented, you're the first guy I'll ask from this site to collaborate with my brother. He's been diddling with Flash for months and hasn't acquired a consistent, disciplined work ethic (sad, he's a great artist). I won't press anything on you, but I would ask you if you're available, and you ought to take that as a compliment. You're among the elite already.

The techniques used to compress so much in under 1.5 MB would be appreciated if displayed in a summary on the Newgrounds' Bulletin Board System, to be perused by those trying to conceive big epics in little packages. Also noteworthy is sound, which might not be fully clear, but it sings through well-handled voice-overs.

Submit more Flash soon, and know that you're now in demand!

Score: 6

"Three Stars"

submission: dubliners: the movie

date: January 5, 2005

"The chef's food is great... I give it three stars." Such are the words of a mild-mannered soldier of Guardia Castle, circa 600 AD (that being all from Chrono Trigger, if you didn't realize).

That effectively summarizes my response to this flash: a pleasant diversion, but nothing stellar, and it gave an uninitiated viewer no tangible insight about James Joyce or the classic mentioned.

However, if the quality continues to improve, then this "Literacy Television" would become a fantastic series. Voice acting is slightly inconsistent in quality (the anchor being the strongest link, however), but the slapstick tactics and defiance of the conventions of television advertising grant this flash an average score overall.