Neophyte-Ronin's game Reviews on Newgrounds

[DangerCLOSEhalf.7]

Two Game Overs Under Ten Seconds, No Retry Button?

What kind of fucked-up control scheme uses WASD and the Mouse but doesn't use Left-Click to fire? You have to hold the space bar down? And the ship moves way too fast. Consider revising the numbers on those Cartesian figures in the code. Also, um... the first point: can't control for shit. For a test of a game, it rubs it in your beta testers' faces about how much they suck. Some kind of Troll-inspired game design? You have no choice but to suck when the game's control scheme sucks.

Just another possible free blam point when this should have been in Dumping Grounds for more positive and constructive scrutiny. Not that I'm saying this should be blammed (it's better than some things I've seen creep through), but soliciting suggestions from the people watching the portal isn't going to get you the information you need. Most reviews will simply say "It Sucks!" and not bother to elaborate.

Just keep trying. It's all I can say. And revise that control scheme!

DeathByStarfish responds:

I guess im the only one who played counterstrike cause i have no problem using my thumb for the spacebar. And i guess making fun of the testers doesnt help my reviews but meh. Do better. Ill look up this dumping ground thing you speak of. Itssupposed to be fast paced controls

[The Greatest Orb 4]

Unfortunately not the last Avoidance Clone

The chief complaint I got--other than a designer's negligent attitude towards known bugs, or their attempts at evasion in the matter--is that you can die real quick and never know what hit you. Then you're relegated to trying again almost immediately.

That's what I hate about "Avoid" games in general: they're marvels of lazy programming. You don't need to program lives or design a fancy control scheme or use lots of hitTest code or anything like that. Just a few lines of code, sprinkle on some window dressing (though I concede the design is at least cute), and you're good to go. No major beta testing period, just a steady hand and that's all the player needs. The only difference here is, to my amazement, the environment scrolls around, virtually unheard of in these games.

So while this game is bug-ridden filler to the glut of Avoidance games bobbing up to the surface like buoyant turds, really the festering cynicism is directed towards the concept itself. It's an utter waste of time. Avoidance games are a distant offshoot of shooters and paddle pong clones that make the most out of mouse interaction. They're just easier to program, test, and release. That allows for the music and graphics to get their emphasis during development.

What a shame that those are the only two strong points of "The Greatest Orb 4". Maybe it's good that this is the last of the "saga", so the developers can concentrate on a project that's worth everyone's attention.

MonoFlauta responds:

Show me one like this one, just one :)

[Dangerous ball]

Repetitive and Unimaginative

Now this is a game that hearkens back to those times when a corporate interest would insist that a game be sold based on how fluent or good-looking it is. The handling is okay and the graphics are pixels, which lend a retro feel to everything, but that's the end of the positive notes. Everything about this game reeks of insincerity.

In traditional run-and-guns that are not set out in space, you have one of two things: limited ammo that necessitates ammo caches, or power-ups that enhance killing power and boost survivability. Also, it wouldn't hurt to have an objective, other than living through and killing everything. Even D00M had a story.

But what "Dangerous Ball" becomes is a boring and repetitive shooter based on the non-existence of power-ups and the apparent flimsiness of the opponents. Just one hit from any weapon is enough to do it, which makes the fancy weapon selection superfluous. Plasma, weapon 2 becomes ideal for horde wet-work while missiles, weapon 3, are good on bosses. Weapon 1 is USELESS, though it is set as the initial equip, which it shouldn't be. And no matter how many different graphics there are, however, lesser foes just charge you, jumping around to make life annoying rather than interesting.

The level designs are also horrible, on account that they are long stretches without any interesting features beyond block-rolling hills that might force a player to shift the cursor and aim elsewhere.

A sincerely evil feature of the controls--and I cannot be alone on this--is how the character's movement but NOT the cursor dictates what position he is on the screen. While trying to retreat and back-peddle from the enemy, I found that I didn't see a whole lot of enemy, even though my cursor was pointed toward them. This is a fatal flaw in the design, as it forces you to tap the character back around, PAUSE, and fire with any accuracy.

Did I mention the lack of power-ups? No sign of Health-Ups, weapon upgrades, hyper speed, kill-everything-on-screen-all-at-once bombs, nothing! Instead, we are granted unlimited ammo. Instead of a boon, it makes things monotonous.

After a while, I gave up and quit. Dangerous Ball looks more like a Beta of a polished shooter that needs extra testing and some fleshing-out in the game's programming and obviously its play features--power-ups, level design, plot--before it can transcend its current paltry lot and woo the players around here. As it is, Dangerous Ball is recommended for those who can endure large amounts of tedium. But in all honesty, you're better off applying for an office job.

[Bounce Ball H]

Too Simple

This game is too easy. The whole slipping-around part doesn't seem to affect your likelihood of falling and thus being unable to bounce the ball back up. The ball's speed and physics engine is too readily anticipated... the pattern is easy to recognize, even as it flies out of view. In other words, this could use a little more programming edge to make for a varied game.

After that is done, try to address the wonky color palette. I started to gag at the lime-green Jell-O character I was controlling.

[Name That Movie]

Minor to Moderate Challenge

There WAS a time element. It was on the top-right corner of the screen and applied to all the posters. Nothing to it if you're a movie buff.

It wasn't that great a game, but it was a cute diversion while it lasted.

[Call of Bieber]

Overlook Smarmy Celebrity Satire for a Solid Game

Despite the source material, Call of Bieber is a solid shooting game with an enjoyable interface. It can tear some people apart when they try to review it. If there could be actual troubles, the simplistic enemy patterns and imbalanced weapon selection are candidates.

So the pigs pin Bieber but never expect any retaliation? I sincerely doubt even a wimp like that kid would go without a fight. He runs from side to side, seeking cover and popping out to cap heads. This is arcade classic, here. The cool part is that there is a way to avoid the pigs, but before you've secured a position, a chopper with a minigun tries to flush you out. That can get worrisome, but it breaks the monotony. Adding to the realism (or just the coolness), Justin accesses new weaponry and through his red van, which always serves as a point of cover in case the wave's stage does not have any. He opens the van up during battle to switch weaponry, an overlooked game mechanic that helps this game stand out among the rest. Like many flash games of its ilk, money is gathered for between waves, when Justin purchases or upgrades the functionality of his hardware, as well as conducts first-aid in case he got roughed up out there.

If people are predisposed towards a good shooter game, Call of Bieber will leave some of the audience torn. Why? Justin Bieber. Everybody loves to pick on the super-famous teen idol who either got lucky with a contract or does have a little pop talent in him. Either way, jealousy is the vice and sin that brought death to the world. It's silly when you do get nailed (unless it's a repeated occurrence on the same wave, to which you start to rip your hair out), but in all honesty, the people who think it's another burn against Justin will pass up an otherwise decent game. The bells and whistles will leave people divided on that subject while missing the point entirely.

And what is that? The game does get a bit old. Enemies pop up out of nowhere and either duck down or ready their aim or fire a shot. You have to keep up with their appearances and bump them off with swift, extreme prejudice, or else a whole crowd will start pumping round after round on your points of cover, some of which are too flimsy. The thing is: that's all there is to it. There isn't enough variation to the cops or their tactics to warrant more than an hour's worth of play. Another issue deals with weaponry. Once you're comfortable with the tactics of one weapon, say an assault rifle, you then purchase a new piece, like a sniper rifle, which has inferior power due to not being upgraded and a different strategy in mind thanks to how it handles. In other words, you try to get a new weapon, and it completely fucking sucks. It makes you wonder rather earnestly why you purchased that thing in the first place. Finally, and this is a gripe: there does not appear to be a way to shoot a chopper down before it lays suppression fire upon you. The only purpose behind its appearance in the background is to serve as a warning, which spoils the fun and jeopardizes the ground troops. Hardy-har-har, I guess....

"Call of Bieber" isn't the greatest game in the world--countless shooters in the genre are better but even they don't take the crown, either--but it has a few aspects to it that set it above its brethren if you look past the smarmy celebrity satire. It could use some improvements, but none of the problems should shatter one's time playing this game. Recommended for shooting fans and adrenaline junkies alongside the Bieber-bashers who might be pleasantly surprised for once: a game mocking the kid is actually decent on its own!

[Zelda (Working Title)]

Needs a Lot of Work

You need to tighten up some of the hit detection, and make the enemies have more life and respond when struck by an attack (as in not moving or being able to hurt you for a moment). Also, this rides far too heavily on platform elements. Even Zelda II's element was centered elsewhere. You got a long way to go with this, but try to incorporate more than just a jump'n'slash mentality.

[Die Hipster]

Gorgeous but Lacking Depth & Endearing Protagonist

Another one of those "Art" Games that exist purely to amuse their creators. By that definition, this one doesn't disappoint.

"Die Hipster" is baffling in how its utter simplicity will frustrate veteran players. The game's premise will fly over many people's heads because the game does not explicitly state it. Your objective? Guide your hapless little hipster around with the directional arrows and Space Bar like in Prince of Persia, climbing onto ledges and walls. Watch out for stupid things like pigeons and balls thrown from windows. Along the way, you must interact (using the "F" Key) with seven objects scattered throughout the area, which then become seven trophies. Kill yourself, get inside the chamber of heroes past Death, have the Witch revive you with "F" Key again, and watch the vaudeville circus freak show at the end of the hall. Congratulations, you just wasted an hour of your life... if that.

Even I am amazed at how low this got scored. I thought visuals like these would pull more people in. It's quirky and definitely of the "extreme" humor found on Newgrounds, so why is it beneath a blue tag? Simple. People don't get it. The platformer gags are also an irritant. Things happen around the cityscape, but there doesn't seem to be a point to it all. What's the purpose? These kinds of things tend to grate on people. When you read a book, either you identify with the characters or their plight... or you stop reading. In addition to no clear-cut plot, little sympathy is generated for this hipster character, because he is designed to endear our contempt. We just wish him a quick death, but the authors failed to sprinkle some redeeming quality or at least one the audience can relate to. Nobody likes to play the lead clown.

What makes "Die Hipster" great in its own sense is the soundtrack. Three musicians contributed songs and covers to this game, some of which are heartfelt, others downright hilarious, all of which are short and sweet, playing whenever the player character has proximity to one of the musician characters (probably caricatures of the actual musicians). This atmospheric effect, in addition to sped-up voice-overs and satirical art style, contribute to the dissonance of the cityscape and make the game pop out and say: "This happens. Point and laugh!" The musical score and graphic effects make "Die Hipster" a memorable experience, though they fall short of creating a game out of themselves. "Dungeon" had more game than this, and that was just text.

In all, "Die Hipster" has all the razz and giggles of an original show on Comedy Central, and are we glad when we either close the sucker down or it's finally over. There is little substance behind this gorgeous tapestry of talent. Even if they established Achievement Points for the Newgrounds release (you know... for actually figuring out and "beating" the game), it would be like playing "Africa Dudes" three times while cheating the whole idea behind suffering through "Africa Dudes" three times by playing "Epic Battle Fantasy 3" or "Necronomicon" on another tab in your internet browser, paying no heed to the endless cock jokes of a group of hacks. You get 175 Achievement Points without rotting your brain. You win. No need to suffer through this super-sized submission more than once, either. "Die Hipster" IS a fun game, almost pretty even and certainly goofy... but it is an empty game.

[Pong my Brother-in-Law!]

Never Scored a Point with That Fat Head....

Don't listen to anybody commenting how you can't devise something, even something that's fundamentally flawed or mediocre, based upon a silly in-joke or involvement from relatives. That's just missing the point entirely.

The major issue here is that, from a few minutes of play, I was in a constant stalemate with the computer. It tracked the head with such flawless, precise effort that it was impossible to get a shot past it. Eventually, I just quit, zero points on both sides.

While Pong has been done to death, it has been done differently each time. This one's challenge rating is exorbitant, utterly ridiculous. The only good part about your in-law's fat mug is that it's a nice, wide target, which eases your ability to smack him back to the opponent but only makes it harder to get past the opponent!

In all, it is a grossly flawed game. That's why I gave it the zero. How you conjured up the idea behind the game is your business; you may even want to pursue more cooperation from relatives and friends in your Flash endeavors. Just keep in mind that if you're going to create a game, you ought to give it a beta phase where people can test whether or not it works, or if it can be beat.

michawthorne responds:

Tis a game of patience, my man... nearing the impossible styles of NES Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Double Dragon. Yet I am currently winning 15 to 7. Got what it takes? Thank-you for the tips. Here's one for yourself: the enemy ruler is not fond of simplicity.

[Hierarchical]

Can't Fit on a T-Shirt, Either.

I hate the presentation with a passion. It is the thing that should not be. For a flying shooter game, the word "Hierarchical" does not really come to mind. But I suppose "Pompous Donkey Rimmer Airliner" can't fit in the Newgrounds Flash Submission form.

Another thing I despise is that when you lift the nose of your machine, you shoot at an angle. Who does that? Maybe for realism this is okay, but this is another one of those meaninglessly pixelated flash games where everything is in boxes. Boxes! Far be it to consider that realistic. Flash's claim to fame is its functionality and emphasis on vectors for smaller-sized games. I know this one doesn't surpass 1 MB but I'm sure this game would be smaller if characters were rendered in vectors. Anyway, thanks to that angle-fire bullshit half of your shots made while dodging are pulled off target.

It's a shooter. Yippie. One of the really sucky ones.

Magical-Zorse responds:

Everything is made of boxes