Neophyte-Ronin's movie Reviews on Newgrounds

[Simon Belmont Epic Fight]

Epic What?

What the fuck is this? Seriously... it's just a piece of shit. "Simon Belmont Epic Fight" is another stupid experiment that should never have been released.

Okay, first off... uh... I know Simon is supposed to fight off Dracula but he doesn't do a good job at fighting and the mummies show up and... well, I can't hear what they're saying and my volume is at a reasonable volume. Compound this with a loud soundtrack (no mixing, period), and you have an experience of just looking at a sprite get stretched and distorted through tweening... and not with any finesse or purpose, either.

No plot, utterly random... a bad shopping mall rotisserie Robot Chicken that got baked on roofies and red bull. This will only seem funny if you are high, and even then they will probably just smirk or something. No laughs to be had here.

This almost makes me glad that, in general, I got one of the bad endings for Simon in the second game, because if he was actually like this, then he is better off dead. Thanks for contributing to the hatred of an otherwise decent game character. Now go to bed.

[George Washington]

Positive Review; Social Commentary; On "Comments"

At first, when I read the authors' comments about the Alabama State Board of Home Education dubbing this "George Washington" music video as historically accurate, I first figured a Flash author succeeded in conceiving something educational and, in some form, entertaining about the United States' first president. That is all well and good: it received positive accolades and is highly recommended by a state agency that does, in fact, NOT EXIST. (Seriously, look it up).

HURR D-D-DURR DURR HURR, DURR, D-DURR DURR (or whatever the fuck that stupid song's lyrics are)! Bullshit artistry strikes again. Another crass slap at home schooling, hicks, and Freemasonry. The cornerstones of the Goddamned country. There's got to be a clause or guideline (by threat of whistle blowing) about author comments that go out of their way to crack jokes outside of the finished product, because they're often lame or, worse, a prank to get people to click a movie that otherwise sucks or is a deliberate spam or even abusive. It's a crutch, okay? Let the flash speak for itself.

That said, this one is actually pretty decent. In fact, it's very good. Not perfect, but it follows the source material in a good way (not like some abstract or trippy or bad quality flash that just has the music in the background for some unknown reason). Of course, "George Washington" is an utterly apocryphal rendition of the titular historical personality, who has recently been accredited for the development of the Patriots' S3 Program. There, I can do it in a review. And trust me: it's not funny here, either. I know this. It never is, really, except maybe a well-educated reply by an author. They could be funny... or nerve-wracking for the reviewer. While gimmicks in authors' comments may run afoul of submission guidelines, it's never good when there are jokes in a review, because it indicates that, in the actual flash, something is wrong, and someone wants to point it out. In this case, it's that the jokes on George becoming progressively stupid as to be completely unbelievable. You'd think subtlety is a lost art at Newgrounds....

Back to topic, the story of George Washington is rendered via Music Video for "The Mange", a folk rock group, and is animated by Christian Madsen, aka Villainous Turtle. It's a great way to advertise the band but, upon reexamination, I discovered their link leads to Facebook. If it's one thing about the Internet I refuse to accept or adopt, is any sort of social networking. They're worse than the Author's Comments, worse than a lot of things, actually. They discourage the desire to contact or meet in person, which goes light-years ahead of a mere remote or epistolary correspondence. The better definition of these sites is that they're really just a crutch for recluses who are lonely and, if there's one thing I know about recluses, is that they're often recluses for good reasons. And usually, those reasons are of exterior, rather than internal origin. Forget Facebook. Put out records to promote your band. Do some gigs and concerts... do it the old fashioned way. Or make a music video out of a single! What are you, some kind of--oh, wait... you did that already. What next? Oh yeah! Wait for some poor jerk to critique it! Well... there you go. [Clears Throat]

Well then, to tell the truth, it is a good song, not outstanding or anything, but it gets the job done. While this doesn't have the pen-and-ink artwork of a modern-day political cartoon, "George Washington" could work as a mockery of the country's psyche. It goes out of its way to lampoon the mythic status of a prominent founding father, although it gets hard to determine if it's just merrymaking or something critical, or even sinister. One thing is certain: it should put a smile on plenty of irreverent punks' faces around this site.

Happy Fourth... oh, whatever. Go light some rockets. This cartoon took a bit of finesse to produce and the results are positive in general, but there are better things for us to be doing tomorrow... like go to work.

VillainousTurtleSLC responds:

I'm sorry if the description is misleading. I was more trying to point out that George Washington is surrounded by myths and legends that are often accepted and propagated. I typed that up just before I posted it, because I thought the standard, "Hi guys, this took me three months to make. I made it for fun with my friends..." would be a little boring.

Facebook does have its negative points, many of which you pointed out here. I just figured if people wanted to connect in some other way than NG, they could go there. Since you don't use social networking, you can check out my website, it's www dot villainousturtle dot com.

Also, we actually put on a block party style concert, and invited hundreds of people out to enjoy an evening of music. We premiered this animation then (2 months ago) for a decent sized live audience. The Mange plays gigs and concerts all the time locally.

The video is just merrymaking, we were all sitting around making up songs, and we started coming up with lyrics for this. There is nothing sinister intended.

Feel free to check out my older animations, and comment on them. They are a totally different style.

[The Green Travler 2]

Off-the-Wall Scratches the Surface... a Little

Now I sincerely regret clicking zero, having assumed this was some kind of spam. However, it turns out to be a ridiculous, politically incorrect spiel of absurdity. It will end up protected without a doubt.

"The Green Travler 2" [ASSUME THAT'S A TYPO] continues where the first one left off... I think. I'm not entirely sure. But a police officer wants to get his mustache back from the doughnut shop, where he traded it for a wonderful pastry, and requests the famous "Green Traveler" to perform the job.

Let your brain go on vacation for about two or three minutes. This cartoon is short, stupid, and below most people's dignity to watch. It has crude art direction, cruder writing, and some surprisingly decent voice-over work. Some of the gags make no sense or transcend our expectations of bad taste, becoming almost campy in its delivery. It's worth a quick, cheap laugh and will undoubtedly be featured in Tom's Friday Gem Hunt later this upcoming week.

So, don't forget kids: let something play out in its entirety before you cast a vote. It might just be something worth checking out... or just funny in a bad way.

[War Of Teh Worlds]

Mars Needs Bangers and Mash in Mass Quantities

Few things come through as stifling and lame-brained than a school presentation ported over to the Newgrounds audience. "Blahoink" manufactured one to showcase a literary classic in a roundabout way that tries to be funny... but really the joke is on itself. "War of The Worlds" is only marginally better than contracting ebola, but it is worse than throat cancer and then hearing about what really causes throat cancer.

"War of Teh Worlds" is based upon the H.G. Wells novel, meaning the adaptations to radio or film are excluded. This is Victorian England besieged by Martians who, feeling their planet is becoming uninhabitable, constructed and launched devices that travel to Planet Earth and, one-by-one, strike upon the surface of the world... well, actually they all hit England, one after another. Because they're that accurate. Yeah.

On that note: people adapted latter versions of "War of the Worlds" just because Martians don't hit one specific location... they hit all of them. Even if they're going to die by bacteria in the end, they wouldn't just go after rainy ol' London, that's just stupid. They'd go after the whole damn planet. Hell, they'd probably hit up the oceans well before hitting the continents. Anyway, there are plenty of reasons why "War of the Worlds" can get a bad rap... but the book report fails to include reasons why we'd want to read the book, which is what those stupid reports are meant to do! In any case, landing upon one specific location, as the summary seems to describe (with first, second, etc., strikes all within a similar vicinity without reporting on any other strikes upon the world), that's like the difference between the Watchmen comic and its movie adaptation, which features a far more feasible conspiracy plot. Even if Alan Moore doesn't support the movie version, its "MacGuffin" made greater sense. Plots and storytelling never get old, but updates and revisions to said stories occur so that the author's original concepts are expressed for a new audience that may look at old books and throw them aside. It's a shame we do that, but that's why "War of the Worlds" got revised.

The lunacy of this Flash's summary has just explained that to me; that has to mean something. Still, this is another school project rendered in Flash--a book report--that features an awful microphone and even worse narrative inflections. It isn't meant to be showy with Flash tecnniques or artistic merits, although you sort of wish it did. The sound system is provided by OGM, Obscenely Ghetto Microphone, which hasn't seen the light of day since the Cactaur & Tonberry cartoons like ten years ago.

"War of Teh Worlds" is a dismal little thing to showcase on Newgrounds, but maybe listening to it will properly clear up a literary classic and maybe spur some interest in the book itself. Or maybe we'll just turn on the radio and listen to some music....

blahoink responds:

Dear Neophyte-Ronin (that sounds like "fairy-japanese-midget", by the way),

First off, I would like to say thank you. These five elaborate, well thought out, and researched paragraphs really showed me what the original novel was trying to portray, and how I, the author of this flash animation, completely butchered it.

In hindsight, maybe I should have added more logical sequences and scenes in the animation, which would more likely happen if Martians did happen to invade our Earth. And then to appease the general Newgrounds audience, add extremely bloody stick battles, assault rifles, loud explosions, and maybe a few scattered sex scenes starring our very sexy and attractive main character, who is actually a werewolf-vampire and gets slayed by an army of Justin Biebers at the end of all of it.

But then, this being a school project, my teacher would probably fall of her rolly-office chair, puke all over the computer screen in disgust, and then give me an F-minus-minus-minus-minus. But I digress...

And then to address the issue of the bad quality of all of this. Being June and at the end of the school year, I could put my try-hard pants on and blow my half-asleep English classes' minds, but I had an Xbox 360 to attend to. And for your information, the Obscenely Ghetto Microphone brand is highly respected here in Massachusetts. All my friends have one, and we enjoy talking to each other over the internet and try to decode our dirty sex jokes over the incredible amount of static and general scratchy shit.

So, please excuse me, I have to go cry and masturbate with my tears in the corner of my bedroom now.

[Ryoga Hibiki declares]

#1 Rom-Com of the Year says Rog--ah, forget it....

A single "Fuck You" is a Teen rating, not an Everyone rating.

"Ryoga Hibiki" is a single scene in a reasonably tame romantic comedy that... well, let's face it: it's classic date movie material, or edutainment regarding the proper care and feeding of romantic passes.

I did, of course, enjoy this. Why? It's stupid, mindless fun. The one moment he needs to sing, he pulls off something far below Sinatra so much it's disturbing. Also, it is well-voiced, subtitled, and even follows the proper conventions and standards of an Anime. It could almost pass as Japanese in origin, let alone style. Of course, being that it is a romantic comedy, it could be a forgettable experience as well.

Ah well... it's worth a few good chuckles at least!

[Koit TV 2]

Leftovers Require Refridgeration

"Koit TV 2" continues the Koit tradition of harvesting incomplete or hodgepodge skit-like segments and converting them into a listless bout of channel surfing, the kind you see in "Robot Chicken" or sprite animation collaborative submissions. The trick here is that none of the segments are meant to make sense; they're just tests and experiments. Hence, they lack polish or consistency in quality.

A few skits in "Koit TV 2" are silly enough to laugh with. Take the running sequence; Koit didn't know what to do with the jogger character he composed, so he created a background that appears alien at first, but in later segments, the reality is that she is fleeing an oncoming wad of feces, only to end up splashing into the toilet. The water effects (or lack thereof) denote the segments as a flight of whimsy, picking up the scatttered remnants of once-serious projects and recycling them into something, anything, that could be presented. The "Space Chicken" skit is an actual full skit with a gag and direction to it, while most other skits are juvenile nonsense.

This isn't for anybody... in fact, it's not meant for anybody, period. This is just a test-run of Koit's capabilities. Props for the crude but creative replay screen, which showcases a link to Koit's site and evokes the feeling of having surfed channels for three or so wasteful minutes. "Koit TV 2", like its predecessor, isn't terribly good, but it isn't meant to be anyway. With any luck, Koit's serious ventures will profit from all of his practice.

[Sosachki]

SUCKER!

I used to belong to a middle school-level fraternal order called the "Suckers", where our codenames were after DumDum Lollipop flavors. I was tagged as "Mystery." The Russian word for sucker (any form of hard candy you suck on) is "Sosachki."

Ha, ha. The difference between the lyrics and what happens during the actual music video reminds me of the ones that Tool did. None of their music videos ever had anything to do with what the actual song is about. They were both creepy, of course.

"Sosachki" follows the same kind of thinking: having no understanding of the lyrics, Ashley Voortman created a music video that is sugary sweet but has none of the imagery or thematic values of the song itself. The song is a silly love song, sort of a pun if you translate the lyrics (see another review, below).

Anyway, it inspired me to do one of two things: buy a piggy bank (they were so adorable here!) or purchase some hard candies. Since I already got a ceramic jar for the coins, I'll skip straight to the candy, thank you. Anyway, most of Ashley Voortman's material centers on serious subjects, so this, in addition to being an early experiment with a tablet, is a welcome change of pace. It contains no real plot, but has lip sync and a real clean, positive vibe straight out of children's programming. If anything, it demonstrates Ashley's potential for versatility and is, in fact, more or less an abstraction as far as music videos go.

[Dead Bodies]

Welcome to Another World, Right Before You!

Ashley Voortman is a flash author who has a good background in creating music videos. Her earliest works predate the whole push to keep the community from using popular musicians and bands' material, so "Dead Bodies" borrows a track from KoRn. This is a toybox littered with the macabre, enough to scare the little children and throw the "E" Rating into question. If the images get disturbing enough it could enter the "T" range. Even so, there isn't gratuitous gallons of gore so it shouldn't matter much.

The animation appears to have been rotoscoped but without enough scrubbing to smooth the edges out a little. The sound quality is also terrible, dating back to a time when everyone was sensitive about the proper amount of audio quality. The last gripe deals with the inconsistent ending, because the song's outro takes forever and gave her little inspiration about where else to take the scene. These gripes do little to dissuade at least one view, because this is one of the few good Gothic music videos.

The chilling duality in the imagery evokes a borderline German expressionist aesthetic, the same stuff used in film noir. The interpretation of what is going on is left with the viewer. Visuals and effects are on the simple side, although it must have been a slap in the face to duplicate the effects of a mirror in the animation and compose two variations of one character. If anything, Ashley ought to be commended for taking the really technical challenges under wing, because nobody else on Newgrounds has tried it before. If so... then certainly not with that much action happening in front of the mirror!

"Dead Bodies" is a frightening spell that should certainly inspire some Halloween costumes and maybe another listen to KoRn's discography... or maybe just shut the monitor off for ten minutes until the shivering comes under tentative control. Ashley has yet to claim a Daily First for her consistent work over the years, but maybe that will change in the present day.

[Lazy Days]

Nostalgic (Except for Eating the Hairball....)

I used to have a whole army of cats. Had to give them all away, of course. My parents had a cat named Peanut Butter who lived for twenty-nine years! She was like a kitten until the last six months of her life. After that my mother refused to get another cat. I despise dealing with the landlord in any capacity, so I won't jump through hoops to get a pet for my apartment. It's depressing to hear about the friendships forged between pets and their owners, for me at least, because it is part of a world that for some reason I'm not a part of anymore.

WIth that said, watching "Lazy Days" put me in a melancholy mood. It contains everything you'd expect out of watching a domesticated feline: subtlety, crudity, even joy. The cat does not appear to miss the owner, knowing the owner will come home (or is already there), and goes about its business the way that any fastidious creature does.

One of the most challenging aspects of animating a cat is getting the tail down pat. Ashley had insane amounts of trouble and it shows. It's also a poor presentation, having eyeballed the frame-by-frame. It resembles a squiggly invertebrate than a prehensile tail. There is also a bone structure to a cat's tail, evident if you look long enough. One thing is for sure, though: under no condition could you just "tween" a cat's tail and live to tell the tale; the traditional method, no matter what effort or result, is the only method that can work.

Getting past that glaring flaw, the simple style, color composition, animated antics, and even the choice in music (a bit rough but passable) complement one another in a gorgeous tapestry. There's no real plot or slapstick mischief, but cheers to Ashley for never including the absurdity of those cat videos and captioned pictures you see on YouTube. Those pretty much withheld my desire to have anything to do with cats. This Flash alone stirred that desire alive again, and not in a way I find comfortable.

"Lazy Days" is a sweet, cute little cartoon when you need a break from all those "Madness" sequels and "Blacktastic" music videos (I assume someone had the nerve to try their hands at one of Stamper's songs), and maybe it might just make you nostalgic as well...!

[Comfort Eagle]

Unsettling but Effective Comeback for Cheshirecat!

"Comfort Eagle" is another opus from Ashley Voortman, whose latest installments in her catalog feature several Music Videos that bring Hania Lee's Audio Portal releases to life. This is her first submission in 2011, which begs several questions: why didn't this come out sooner? Or, where has she been, anyway?

If such questions do not come to mind, click play and we'll talk.

This is a music video with stellar choreographed sequences and lush, detailed pop art, juxtaposed with serious, almost incendiary subject matter and musical lyrics. Refrain from making snap judgments from the music or subject matter and try to breathe it in... if you can. If the song already has a music video, then this might actually gain greater notoriety. The meaning is a deep one... something about the material culture running things to the ground and our fateful decision to go with a flow into its undertow or swim against doom. There's also murky insinuations of one-world governments, conspiracies, and life on the edge (and not in that fashionable Bohemian way, either).

We've seen it all before, but never in a stunning fashion as this. Ashley manages to pull things off like a decent frame rate despite the objects on screen (and their details), and the obligatory subliminal effects are chilling even after the song has escaped your memory. If there was a Newgrounds flash author who needed to show up more often and show off, it has to be Ashley.

"Comfort Eagle" is not a music video for the faint of heart. It can be taken in all kinds of different ways. One thing is for sure: it can ruin your day at the beach and remind you of everything that is crumbling all around you... now all you have to do is run around and dodge the flaming wreckage from above.

Or... just do a day at the beach without as much "stuff" as you had the last time you went. Maybe just the clothes on your back and a wallet with some cash. And meet someone. Hot. "Comfort Eagle" can also remind you of what's important provided you sit back and listen long enough.

cheshirecat1582 responds:

Love the long reviews...
Thanks!
Where have I been? Life... that's the best answer I have for you... Ive been doing more hands on art projects lately... And ran out of supplies so instead of just sitting on my butt I decided to pick up animation again...

You know I haven't seen the "real" music video for this cake song.... I tend to stay away from viewing music videos that I'm animating or plan to animate in the future because I hate to be influenced.... When I watch or have seen a video of a song, its all i can think of... and its hard to get past it... And think of new ideas.

Anyways, appreciate the review... it fans the flames for the want and need to create more... especially when its something I'm passionate about.
So thanks you made my day
-Ashley