Neophyte-Ronin's movie Reviews on Newgrounds

[Kawaii Battle Stars]

Not for Everybody... Still, it's a Gag-Fest!

Few collaborations exist where the authors produce something beyond their capacity. This isn't one of them. It's polished, true, but "Kawaii Battle Stars" is sophomoric bullshit artistry that doesn't appeal to everybody, okay?

This is a satirical blend of horror and modern urban fantasy, where five sisterly youths are granted powers that help them fight crime and try to cheat their way through teen life. It is a mockery of the CLAMP-inspired Japanese Manga ribaldry that goes through a wood chipper of North American localization like that scene in Fargo. In a greater perspective, it attacks Sailor Moon almost exclusively. It also rips apart incidents of "Engrish" and baits us for an episode that WILL NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN! You know why? Because these guys have bigger fish to fry, and this material, as well as its overbearing delivery, can get old fast.

You know, this would be a fuckload more palatable if the designers decided to stray from what made that "Sailor Moon" parody so great--that was a dub over some guy's horrible voice-over spoof, where everyone got a chance to animate a small segment, much like a collab except they followed the spoof's plot--and actually conscript some goddamned women to voice the roles. I mean, come on... wouldn't they be the ones that would be more inspired or COMPELLED to destroy these cartoons from the inside out? Then again, I swear to have heard the same voice characterization nimrod who despoiled Rina-Chan's reputation in that Street Fighter Parody, so relations between the designers and other voice talents might not be peachy-keen. That's what you get for blasting one of your own and troubling your own house: you inherit the gas from your own butt.

This is actually a decent production, when you look at it. Subject matter notwithstanding, this has been a kind of collaboration that nearly mirrors the stuff they used to do in animation studios: everyone has a role. TheShadling provided background artwork and also obviously the title screen, and several good voice-over artists got scouted for roles. Animation and characterizations are top-notch. SpazKid assembled the finished product.

If GuitarmasterX7 isn't demolishing video games with his buddy Dexter in their "Sanity Not Included" series, he's found trying to establish himself in several satirical pieces on Newgrounds, including this one. Yeah... it was instant recognition with his voice. If he has a range of emotion and sound, he sure as hell doesn't bother to show it here. Only in a few spots, like when a scream breaks the register, does the voice-over or sound quality become poor.

"Kawaii Battle Stars" is a cruel, cruel dissertation on the plight of Manga and Anime that caters to the fairer sex in their youth, but it is also a cruel, cruel manifestation of the twisted minds of those who were never intended to watch such cartoons to begin with. It's one thing where you demolish a heroic epic or deride the misnomers and idiocy of the ruling party, especially if you happen to actually belong to that philosophical persuasion. It's always nice to hear the criticism from within rather than without, anyway; it pays dividends as to who is willing to listen and how they will take it. But swatting something from side to side that has little to nothing to do with you just seems... I don't know... NAGGING!

Besides, if I wanted to watch a cartoon about five girls screeching at each other over nonsense, I would head outside into the oppressive sunshine and hang out with a few. No need to barge into their conversation, just sit back and listen. Of course, given their efforts were earnest in their own way, I suppose we should just shut up and applaud Axel, TheShadling, GuitarmasterX7 and the rest of these jerks for providing us an opportunity to do that while sitting in front of the computer, eliminating the need for any female contact, period.

Personally, I prefer a day trip to Providence RI where, despite their constant chatter, the ladies are gorgeous and, of course, sane. And don't sound anything like GuitarmasterX7.

AxelTheNavy responds:

Shit man, good review lol.
And yes I am aware that it would be kosher to assign actual women to the voice roles, but I made a choice to keep the man voices. Not because I am a sexist or an autist who will pee their pants at the thought of approaching girls, but in a perfect world where I am the black-god-Adonis...all women shall be hairy with deep masculine voices.

[Giant Fish Stain 4]

Deliberate Suck

Welcome to the Suck, ladies and gentlemen. This caliber of animation always gets broadcasted on Adult Swim every night. Isn't it wonderful? And the production time is deplorable too so we can suspect that this will become some kind of undeserved mainstay among the Newgrounds audience, which will take eons of effort and mastering to get "just right" before the next episode debuts with a completely different tale without ever finishing what is meant to be a two-part series. This is why I hesitate to submit anything into the portal, because if this garbage gets front billing, who knows how much effort I have to put in so I can not only reestablish the standard of quality, but also thumb my nose at these talented hacks who ride solely upon the weight of their pens but not their brushes. Yeah, the writing is tongue-in-cheek, but if that's all I do while watching it, it doesn't mean a whole lot.

"Giant Fish Stain 4", the opus of a hard-working Armon Pakdel with voice characterizations by Mick Lauer, features the titular character, Donald Olfin, talking like a sarcastic surfer alongside trusty sidekick Steven (a 'ghost boy'?) and walking into another WEB216-colored hilly field where Internetfest is being held. He thinks the creator of the Internet is going to appear, but some kind of nonsensical revenge plot is underway. It doesn't get resolved until the next episode, due out in like eight months. Oh, and there's a "Cat Cube" commercial that doesn't specify how to actually order a "Cat Cube". The "Cat Cube" skit is based on one of Armon's prior animations, perhaps a form of filler.

Yeah, um... what to say that won't look like total filler in a review that will be overwhelmingly evil and derogatory toward these guys for just dishing it in... okay, here's one: don't bother clicking the link, period. It is bothersome to look at, for one, and another, the emphasis here is the writing. People emulate the Adult Swim style because most of those cartoons are chiefly digital animation combined with the nonsensical ravings of pop culture buffs, with an emphasis on surrealism. Maybe it's being paid tribute here... or being mercilessly harangued. Also, any Flash where the voice acting is the only real standout trait (and to wit, they are decent even after the miserable script that was written) is a Flash best avoided, because everyone will cite the animation, character design, and even the backgrounds as completely lazy, or if they have (they did) they will continue to do so. I haven't seen it this bad since Arfenhouse, but at least those cartoons were infectious, with a laugh at least every fifteen seconds. Here, the well of laughter is dry like fish bones.

This got Front Page because it refers to the Internet, and anything about the Internet is not just serious business... it's utterly hilarious, right? It also contains wonderful voice-overs by the overworked and under-appreciated Mr. Lauer, so his involvement must mean this bird will soar, right? No, I'm sorry. This pelican resembles a urinal: your argument is invalid.

dullsworth responds:

Sorry you didn't like it, hope you make your closing metaphor less gay next time. Maybe then I'll take your verbose rambling seriously then.

[Invisible Face: Part 1]

Noir

This could be the start of a series about a dissolute antihero with an invisible face, who can paint any face needed for a disguise and solve crimes or become a criminal himself in a mad scheme to even the playing field with those who don't deserve to smile. The pace and animation could be a little quicker, but it's compact in size and contains a silent film narrative both concise and unsettling. This is a solid first entry by a new author. Keep it up!

TiggUno responds:

Thank You! I Really Appreciate The Feedback! And Yeah I Was Thinking About Which Direction To Take This Story But Didn't Quite Grasp It Yet. Thanks For Your Input On How I Can Progress The Series, Its Very Helpful!

[Jae's Demo Reel (2011)]

Your Artwork is Also Very Creepy

You and I think alike. We weren't late because we were sucking Daffy Duck's dick, and we don't want to play XBox 360 because we just want to be teen wolves!

A lot of the material is very rough, but you got a strange sense of humor that suggests you should be animating far more often. I'll look up your catalog.

See? That's what a demo reel should do. Keep them interested in what you've done, until such a point that they make an informed decision about hiring or commissioning you. While the individual pieces are like miniature experiments, this demonstration deserves a higher score than this....

Jae responds:

thanks a lot for the detailed review xD

[The Ultimate Orb...]

Yeah, Whatever

Yeah, it makes cupcakes!

Is it just me, or do I want sandwich-eater to BOMB OUT OF THE COMPETITION?

Okay, so these two guys have this incredible "Ultimate Orb" that gets lost along the river and picked up by fantastic sentient confection. Will they get it back?

Yeah, and that's what sucks about it.

The facial expressions are there, but they seem like they got referenced from countless Internet memes. Those stupid chubby cheeks are just stupid. And why the hell does the formation change from a mix of candies to a unitary squad of storm lollipops during the battle sequence? Why? I'll tell you why: THE ARTIST WAS FUCKING LAZY! He didn't want to keep track of the enemy formations while working on a deadline, so he didn't bother resolving any continuity problems that came his way.

"The Ultimate Orb..." is a decent cartoon by most stretches, even if it failed to inspire me. It has a continuity problem and is, in general, dumb. At least the humor is clean.

CyanSandwich responds:

I can't say I disagree. Except the memes and wanting me to bomb out of the competition.

[Jacqueline and the Spawn]

Worthy Competitor to "Leo & Satan"

Ever since "Leo & Satan" hit on the Newgrounds scene, I have been patient and twiddling of the thumbs in anticipation for the next big supernatural comedic thriller to come through the Portal. "Jacqueline and the Spawn" takes a completely different course with the topic, often managing to surpass Oney's cartoons with substance over mere polish.

When Jacqueline's pet rock "dies" by her reckoning, she consults the INTRANETS and consults arcane summoning rites with a demon. In exchange, the demon curses her; to break it, she must slay the souls of nine sinners with her new possessive hand-puppet demon, the fiend's avatar, who she calls Kyle.

The first impressions of Jacqueline are priceless. She is quirky to a fault, excitable and irrational. The avatar demon plays a foil to counterbalance her. Judging by his controlling, sinister manner, we can guess that poor Jacqueline has an untapped sense of virtue who often gets side-railed, often by her overbearing older sister Diane. This is "cartoon" written all over; the author "Thornberry" has been in the background in Newgrounds for several years and has returned with her first 2011 project with a bang. The writing, voice direction, and simple art style make for an infectious ride.

The ending is anticlimactic, though. It isn't laced with a great deal of excitement, like a cliffhanger of sorts. Being that at least one deadly sin is addressed in the first episode (with a sexual reference that nearly hits the "M" octave when you hear it), we assume within eight episodes, we see the series ending. Cliffhangers might be necessary to keep viewer interest as well as author interest.

Another trouble is the music direction. While the voice-overs and exaggerated character postures convey the emotion well enough, the use of a dramatic soundtrack is crucial in cartoons. Some of the background music doesn't really capture the intended emotion and is pretty much "there". No real purpose. The only upswing is that the music changes according to the scene, suggesting that the author understands how to change a soundtrack but just lacks a diverse selection of songs that would work better.

"Jacqueline and the Spawn" seems like the Newgrounds equivalent of a summer blockbuster or series that could conclude sometime during Halloween, even though its themes operate well in any season. It contains enough absurdity alongside a cohesive, if hackneyed plot, making it the site's possible upcoming feel-good series of the year. Even though it got "Daily Second", it deserves a Front Page exhibit far more than "Mario's Wonderland".

Jacqueline vs. Leo:

Instead of portraying Satan as a good-intentioned, intemperate buddy and foil to some hapless young boy without convincing origin tale behind their association, filling their time with random paranormal happenstance that prove fatal, "Thornberry" takes a far more classical, Lovecraftian approach, with an emphasis on the external world's reaction to the titular protagonist's mingling with the underworld. She does not emphasize random events and surreal situations, preferring instead to exaggerate the emotions and inclinations of its lead and supporting cast.

While not as polished as Oney's take on supernatural happenings, "Jacqueline and the Spawn" shares its predecessor's ability to amuse and unsettle. It's hard to tell which of the pair--Jacqueline and Kyle--is the craziest, but they express their own versions of craziness that complement each other. The style of writing is quite feminine, which considers associations and relationships of greater importance over personal accomplishments.

Thornberry's style is character-driven rather than plot-driven. Still, she concocted a far more cohesive plot, rather than set poor Leo up for imminent doom. It's also maturer than "Leo & Satan", not by much, but nowhere near as extreme; the lack of profanity reflects upon her ability to generate laughs without kowtowing to Newgrounds' classic "extreme" stance, which proves refreshing.

Oney might just have a worthy competitor in Thornberry....

[Mario's Wonderland]

Lukewarm, Uneven Production full of Sprites

This is yet another

When describing the piece, "Polished Production" comes to mind as appropriate. The Mario voice isn't dead-on, but closer than what most people can do. The frame rate and sound quality are top-notch, and some of the graphic sequences like the "Drug Pyramid" are worth a Replay. The use of a Beatles song, "Flying" is almost appropriate. The fact that there is something close to a plot in a Mario sprite spoof is almost exemplary, although you can't be fooled by the "Wonderland" part of "Mario's Wonderland"; while inspired by drugs, it lacks the allegorical commentary found in Mr. Dodgson's original literature.

Here's where the problems start: this is just another pointless drug trip, and not a terribly funny one at that. The so-called "Moral" lacks any real comic punch, and the transitions from each scene contain nothing but bland Beatles references and boring flight patterns. Despite the name, this isn't an extravagant or beautiful production during the latter half, and it just flows out of sheer dullness.

Still, seeing this material redone in a new polished way lit up my face. It made me remember that the Newgrounds Admins have voiced resolutions that few sprite cartoons (if any) would make the Front Page. Even if this somehow acquired Daily First (it did), that does not mean thist thing gets to grace the Front Page. Considering the blandness during the latter half, I suppose that's a good thing. This makes me not want to take drugs: if hallucinations are not adventurous, wherein lies the point?

JosephAS1 responds:

Not everything has to make sense at all mah friend! :B

"1st Dialy", to tell the truth I did not even expected that prize, so tat's okay for me!

[The Evolution of MCAST]

Great Example of Effective Multimedia Presentation

You got me. The Malta College for Art, Science, and Technology looks interesting enough to look into.

This is more or less an animation describing a higher learning institute. Mick Lauer's voice-over provides a perfect complement to evoke the youthfulness of the college as well as provide a good, quick overview of the piece. As it went by, it became apparent to me that it might be a good place to attend after finishing up an AA stateside and transfer the credits over (if they even do that there).

If the intent was to advertise MCAST in a positive fashion, then the flash succeeds on more levels than what was originally intended. A flash that goes beyond what the author had intended for the piece is usually a good sign for the author.

BoMbLu responds:

Thanks for the positive feedback!

[Eepi Battle]

Yeh eet Soocks. Deliberately. Ferts Flesh! DUMB

Newgrounds occasionally awards Front Page to something that is funny in a bad way. This is one of them. Finnish animator Minilinkki composed an opus of sorts about stick figures fighting each other, featuring poor artistry, Juno Reactor's "Burly Brawl" fight music, and a boatload of sheer irreverence. Oh, and it's not worth watching. At all. and despite the comments given by the author, this is his third release... far from the first.

It mocks the inclination of every animator to label their animation as the first published effort, which goes hand-in-hand with several stereotypes: awful animation, nonsense plots, stick figures, and cliched cliches. It also features a fitting end, according to the laws of physics.

Even in the author comments, everything about this reeks of satire. However, it's long, drawn out, and mostly an in-joke for Newgrounds fans. It isn't meant to be serious... but it falls into a trap of not being a serious EFFORT, which is where all the problems begin. Even though it aims to be funny... it's not. In fact, this Flash does not have the appeal to become another worthless meme shared by millions of net-nerds, because it only appeals to the Newgrounds crowd. And the Newgrounds crowd is a very particular brand of net-nerd.

The chief reason why "Eepi Battle" gains Front Page status is because it lampoons the Newgrounds crowd. It tears them apart. Newgrounds always strives to find whatever sucks and derails it for what it truly is. Tom Fulp's "The Room Tribute" is a case in point. One of the collections featured in Newgrounds is the section that spoofs Newgrounds. "Eepi Battle" fits right in, considering there are proportioned humanoids (not sticks), so the "Sticks" section wouldn't work... but there is also the barbs aimed at animators, hence, Newgrounds spoof. It also sends barbs right at the audience for even thinking the movie is funny in any way, and for once I'm glad to have agreed. :)

"Eepi Battle" is a joke entry, but it isn't Spam because of its intrinsic emphasis on mocking something other than the audience's gullibility. It mocks a lot of things. Too bad the jokes miss every single time....

minilinkki responds:

Thank you !
This was really interesting to read ! :)

[Fisthead vs. Pinata]

"Assholes Don't Deserve to Have Bitches."

Ah, the actual author submits his Uarts opus... or rather. UNLEASHES it onto Newgrounds at last! To clear up his comments, someone submitted "Fisthead" onto Newgrounds without permission, which spurred an official release with a disclaimer. Now that it is here, I can tell everyone all about how cool this short cartoon is. It is a gory satire on extreme superhero cartoons, featuring gratuitous exploitation of the fairer sex and a gimp with a fishing pole. There are also ninjas, but LordSpew must be a pirate fan.

In this over-the-top tribute to Saturday Morning Cartoon heroism and Adult Swim (heavy inspiration stemming from the Superjail series), "Fisthead" pits its titular superhero against a nefarious sentient creature called the Pinata; trapped inside its lair and beset by henchmen who wield weaponry based on his only known weakness, he must punch his way up the tower and defeat his nemesis before it's too late. Yeah, we've all heard this plot before. Sufficed to say, justice wins in the end, even if it gets a little sticky.

One of the first things you will notice about the animation is that it has excellent lip sync and solid voice acting; only in a few situations (such as Pinata's harem exiting the scene) does the animation quality drop, and even in those moments it stays above the average efforts of other animations at Newgrounds. The extreme flexing sequences are worth the price of admission alone; everything is made to present Fisthead as an overblown adrenaline-guzzling nuke, so much that his cheek muscles stretch too far when he's screaming like a madman. Pair that with a killer thrash metal theme song with high-pitched chorus, and you have a character who likely gets his own series, on this site or on network television, just from the personality alone. The comic writing and storyboard coordination, not to mention sound production, are all excellent.

Creating a compelling narrative, however, becomes difficult even if we suspend our disbelief. Main issue: none of Fisthead's villains pose any real threat. Also, no conflict or climactic sense of risk is given, since it is unknown why Pinata, besides his arrogance and Machiavellian demeanor, is on Fisthead's shit list. The awesomeness gets undercut when we realize that, even if we weren't supposed to, there's nothing here for us to actually care for. It's just a gag of gruesome gore, nothing we haven't seen before, devoid of any true emotional content. It's one thing to be clever and a sharp wit, but something else when you want to actually communicate something valuable or significant to the audience. LordSpew's production does not reach that far; he's got everything else going for him, but this is the sort of material that B-Movies and bad video games are made of.

Of course, "Fisthead", if the project continues, will become well-established in the Newgrounds spectrum through satirizing the use of extreme presentation and violence, something that Newgrounds is well-accustomed with so far. If it can get us to care about the guy's plight, or give him a situation that challenges him, maybe the challenge to keep us interested in the series wouldn't be so difficult.

LordSpew responds:

2 minutes got cut out of the beginning due to the film only being allowed to be 2 minutes long for the school assignment. The part that sets up why either of these characters are in the predicament is in the works. The animatic and voices had already been recorded but I chose to, for the sake of premiering him asap to just give people the craziest parts. I can't promise that a villain will ever totally challenge him. Its more like... villains naively stumble into him thinking they stand a chance. The villains end up being as stupid as he is and always meet a gruesome end. I think that we all need some senseless gore, honestly. fisthead facilitates this. It is funny. I, personally am tired of characters that make too much sense and follow this generic "hero" archetype. He will accidently kill civilians and only with the laughter about how funny he does it , will he be forgiven.