Neophyte-Ronin's movie Reviews on Newgrounds

[TmsT's "Up Skit Creek"]

Without a Paddle and Still Gets There... Somehow

This flash compiles unrelated skits that would receive low ratings individually (the quality isn't constant, I'm afraid), with silly, split-second transitional material. Here is a play-by-play rundown:

#1: Washing the glasses of a jerk hitting you up for money after he cleaned your windows without being asked--priceless. (4/5)

#2: Like the creature, the skit drags on too long. (2/5)

#3: If clowns acted like Slipknot fans, they would deserve that... (2/5)

#4: This one rocks. It has nothing to do with the guy's saber. (5/5)

#5: While the pun is genuinely funny, it lacks taste, and the "d00dspeak" reference was simply lame. (3/5)

#6: As a concise, biting study on animation forms and political correctness, this stands on its own without the obligatory underestimating of President Bush's intelligence. (4/5)

#7: I thought it was about Star Wars for a moment... (3/5)

#8: The classic music used for 2001: A Space Odyssey did nothing to empower this worthless skit with its inflated sense of grandeur. (0/5, because even without the Pope being involved, the gag isn't funny enough!)

Overall Score: 3/5. Most are viewed with a grain of salt, while #1, #4, and #6 are the viewer's best bets.

TmsT responds:

Thanks for the ... "review", Mr Cowell, but I would be able to take it a lot more seriously if you were commenting on the movie itself, and not just writing up a list of spoilers for some unfathomable reason. If you didn't like certain parts in it, that's fine. I don't expect you to.
But don't ruin the enjoyment for the *vast majority* who otherwise do. Someday you'll understand, when your obvious cleverness leads you to release movies and have thousands of adoring fans too... a cleverness about which I am starting to have serious doubts considering that among your favourite scenes were the two weakest ones (Crossing and 9/11).


Thank you.

[The Price of Pixels]

Kind of Gross... Mildly Poignant... Very Funny!

Never one to rest on his laurels, Jeremy Lokken of Rainbow Animations, once again, snipes bitterly at a small fragment of the Newgrouds crowd that gets all the attention and leaves the rest of us with societal stigma. Some things in this flash are completely unnecessary as they are inappropriate, but could the flash be done in quicker time without such gags?

The animation and voices (deliberately poor) hit the subject matter right where it hurts. It is short, painful, and funny at the same time. However, don't expect this to be Mr. Lokken's crowning achievement--a four out of five.

[Orgasmic Symphony]

Sick. Evil. Twisted. Funny!

I heard that song from Fantasia! Now it's a "Based on a True Story" Melodrama on Fox about the painful reality of masturbation. Seriously, man, that could have been based on a thousand and one true stories (I guess that's the point, though).

While we're on that subject: I've heard that 90% of men masturbate in the shower, while the other ten percent sing.

Say, guys! You know any good songs to sing in the shower?

No? ....I didn't think so...

And by the way, I don't know any idiot who will ejaculate, accidentally or otherwise, on the picture they're using as a visual aid. If you want to reuse the image, squirt it elsewhere.

A nice, quick joke that should instantly land in the Adult section of the site (we don't need nude women prancing about to make a joke suitable for that section, you know... you just proved that, as if you really had to).

[Shyguy's Flower]

Simply ADORABLE!

This flash is fabulous for a first try! The few problems I found were the music abruptly cutting off in the end (try downloading--for free--the Audacity recording program, and tinker with it a little bit), and the plot could have been presented better. This looks like an experiment, but one with very positive results.

If you liked the absurdity of 8-Bitch 5 and the Final Fantasy tribute by Legendary Frog, try expanding your horizons. Watch flashes made by the author of "Bitey of Brackenwood" and "Prowlies by the River." They will look intimidating for their technical grandeur, but your style, like his, could be seen in a children's story book. That's a lucrative business and your style can immediately capture a young audience. This flash's artwork resembles watercolor paintings. I've never seen that in another flash, so you've already been established as unique.

Great job. Improve the plot for next time, work on the sound, think about adding a narrator or voices, and, in any case, don't become a stranger to the site. You show plenty of promise!

[Barge of a 1000 Bullets 2]

You Like Planet of the Apes...

Admit it: you're into Planet of the Apes. And while the alternate ending is cool, it wouldn't fit. The serious ending is a welcome change of pace in the Video Game Parody/Tribute genre, and reminded me of the Legend of Zelda: Heroic Rage flash series.

To capture Mario's emotions accurately required Jeremy's original artwork combined with sprites. It won't always look right, but the approach is worth the audience's time. Also missing from the first flash are white flashes for gunshots, and that's an improvement.

This is the first serious flash by Mr. Lokken (to my knowledge at least), and a splendor to behold. Humor exists, but seeing Mario triumphantly return to, yes, being a plumber in Brooklyn, was something that no other Mario flash has ever done. In effect, Mr. Lokken has an innovative edge, rather than being merely clever.

Excellent job, Mr. Lokken, and never be a stranger to this site!

[Barge of a 1000 Bullets]

Excellent Work, Mr. Lokken

I've seen plenty of your animations, and they're always entertaining. I never thought you'd dip your finger into sprite animations, but you enter the field with incredible savvy and skill taught in the other attributes of flash production. Everything that makes your works great is demonstrated here.

The white flashes, some are reporting, seem to be too much for the eyes, which can be attributed to your careful slicing of certain qualities for the sake of fluency and keeping everything in a tight little package, and that's where the flash shines.

I don't need to tell you to keep up the good work, since you're always doing a fantastic job!

[Doofie]

Simplicity, Absurdity, Flat-Out Cruel

Way to comically kill a guy, and in a tight little package, too!

#1: Variation of the classic cliff gag.
#2: Why don't mine carts ever have brakes on them in cartoons?
#3: Don't fool with aliens. Better still, don't fool with yourself!
#4: Ladies pole dancing is one thing, but a guy shaking it?
#5: This'll teach a man not to piss anywhere he damn well pleases.
#6: Another evil pole trick. We don't encourage that behavior.
#7: That's why I won't be a lumberjack when I grow up!
#8: Yo, dude! Want to play a good old game of Duck Hunt? (And I came home after playing Time Crisis at the arcade...)
#9: The good thing in this short is a swimsuit calendar. If he only had some duct tape to wrap around his head, just to be sure...
#10: And now, the GRAND FINALE! Something we didn't expect! Yay!

I enjoyed these dumb little shorts, and they came in ten packs (while buns come in eight). Thanks for making Newgrounds laugh to simple, silly, painful-looking humor and timing! Be sure to submit regularly, now!

[The Legend of Link Intro]

Should be in the WIP section, though...

Normally, these pieces should be reserved in a WIP section, as a preview (it isn't wise to make people anticipate anything).

You've established a good working relationship with a skilled actress in a fan-fic venture that, judging by the animation, probably won't involve lengthy or complex fights. This looks like it centers on a drama, perhaps something romantic, between Navi and Link. That's my guess, at least. The premiere will probably be much different.

Continue with this project. Hopefully the premiere will live up to what Navi was talking about.

midnightstealthxp responds:

ok, I'll tell you first that THERE IS NOT GOING TO BE A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN NAVI AND LINK, lol. well, EP1 will have alot more action, but it will have some good drama and story telling too.

[Searching For Souls]

Nasty, nasty, nasty (but still very funny!)

I can't understand why people don't satirize the Prince of Darkness as much as Retarded Animal Babies, or this flash! I know potheads and pricks-in-general get a flogging. Nobody ever spoofs supernatural entities bent on sucking you into hell for an eternity.

Tomfoolery like crank calls is best paired with animation, especially when THE SOUND IS CRISP AND CLEAR. The Opie & Anthony skits don't come close, particularly in terms of art style or execution.

Just take a soundboard, record it as you repeatedly crank someone, and figure out some screwy animation to accompany the audio track. Homophobic tirades can be devised from the Full Metal Jacket Deluxe Soundboard, for example.

This flash ought to set a trend, and I'll be happy--5 out of 5.

[Magical Trevor2]

A quick, easy joke for the whole family

It's short, it loops, it's funny, and we can sing along (give us a lyric sheet!), it's MAGICAL TREVOR! Okay, while we're discussing the Ragu in Aisle 2, I have a joke for you, too!

Two lovely statues, a man and woman, bordering a fountain in a secluded garden, are magically animated into human form by an angel, who descends upon the enchanting summer scene. They turn to the angel, and she speaks.

"God has granted you a chance to fulfill your desires after centuries of being in this garden together!" The two statues are ecstatic. "Just be quick," quipped the angel. "You only have about fifteen minutes!"

So the giddy statues fly into the bushes, there's interesting noises and all, and they return eight minutes later, looking radiantly happy. The angel smiles, but checking her watch, asks, "Excuse me, but you have seven minutes... go for two?"

"Great idea!" The lady statue said. She turns to her mate and says, "This time, you hold the pigeon, while I get to shit on it!"