Neophyte-Ronin's movie Reviews on Newgrounds

[DE_aztec]

Pretty Hard to Say Blam...

ChaOtix thinks a "5 year system just isn't fun anymore..." and subsequently ripped my skeleton out of my body with the force of my own hatred. The idea that any game becomes worthless and unenjoyable after any period of time is a smack upside the head, because someone in the world will find even the crappiest game to be entertaining to some extent. Will we give Final Fantasy the smack-down, too? All incarnations follow mechanics devised in the 1980s, you know.

The Flash pays tribute of sorts to the Counter-Strike series' multi-player system that has many loyal fans. All the characters archetypes that orchestrate the chaos are covered in a humorous fashion (they make better sense if viewers follow this series).

Many don't care for stick-figures, but here, they are properly implemented. Can anyone make an elaborately violent flash without stick-figures? Not until that ridiculous memory size cap is unscrewed (5 MB? Has the dial-up crowd switch to a BIGGER WIRE yet?)

[A barking dog is beaten.]

Utterly Pointless

Most Flash cartoons submitted by this guy revolve around violence and excessive blood. The Crookie Monster wasn't too horrible, though. However, Livecorpse should advance to serious work, as opposed to gratuitous brutality.

By the way, the creature getting killed was no dog, but the lead character in the children's Anime Hamtaro, coinciding with how oppressively annoying it is.

From what I can gather, Livecorpse died. Everyone keeps saying "RIP, dude." Either the viewers state trendy phrases reflecting approval of Livecorpse's work, or he is honestly dead, and I'm wasting my precious time blamming his crap for no reason than to cleanse the portal of half-baked entries. Maybe I'm doing him a posthumous service by blamming his entries, which he looks upon with disdain from above. One has to be critical of so much blatant violence without a plot, you know.

On the other hand, if Livecorpse is alive and reading this review, I got a message for you. I'm telling your fans to fuck themselves because they're out of their mind to think that "RIP, dude" is an honest-to-God compliment, even to a guy submitting entries under the alias of an undead creature!

And I refuse to apologize. If this guy submitted so much trash, perhaps the natural course of vengeful nature did you ridiculous jerks a favor.

[FF: Mixed in Balamb]

On the Mouse?

Within a matter of months, you rendered a parody of Final Fantasy games with the mouse? And it looks fanastic! Everything fits into a classic Anime caricature. Production values are high and the time to make this, I hear, was short thanks to an extensive collaboration among many people.

And one of these days, I'm either telling Tom Fulp to stop playing games with the Broad-band folk, or annihilate the people on Dial-Up, because a limit of five MB per Flash submission is choking artistic flexibility on this site. We can't see anything as good as your submission without having to click multiple entries that say "To Be Continued" on them. We don't need a three-hour epic, but ten would be easier!

There are flaws, though. The sound quality deteriorated from the lack of space. I noticed several lady roles had to be filled (Tifa and Selphie would have made excellent banter), and the actress playing Quistis and Shiva couldn't make either role sound different from one another. Quistis and Shiva stole the show, by the way, as well as Sephiroth's long easy-listening joke. I imagine your next flash can feature Shiva, Quistis, and Sephiroth alone, with Vincent somewhere in between. Everyone else seemed like background noise in comparison. Yet, I still enjoyed the length of the piece and the stream of cracks kept a constant smile on my face.

Be sure to make a new flash soon. Next time, pick between the grandiosity of a long piece with an all-star cast, or the sound quality and a deeper plot, or simply light a match under Mr. Fulp's butt. Whatever puts a smile on your face!

Toonimated responds:

thanks for your review. i liked it! hmm yes, all on mouse. Its difficult to do the voices cause theres more than 14 characters that talk. Depending on score ill continue this

[The Icecream Machine]

Slick, and to the Point

This flash demonstrates exactly what the medium does best: simple, short cartoons with tons of character. Mr. Skudder ought to be proud that he didn't divulge into completely asinine swearing and blood to get his point across. Acting on part of the youth is well done, and the inclusion of the computerized read-out voice adds to the hilarity. You cannot simply flick the "Back" button on your browser without emitting at least one jovial smirk before moving onto the next Flash. With minimal effects and smooth animation, this one's a winner. Best of all, it's safe for the kids, which is obviously quite rare on this site. In a nutshell, excellent work, Mr. Skudder! Give him a big round of applause, portal moles!

[Salad Fingers]

About Keeping Your Mind Open

While I haven't got a clue how this managed to be on the front page and achieve Mr. Fulp's personal approval (pertaining to the character), I do have an open mind and I regret saying to the author, without any significant fanfare or gentleness: this flash outright sucked and deserves a thorough blamming from everyone that sees it.

Of course, I might be jumping the gun. I might be too harsh about a strange guy in this gothic, ruined world, touching spoons to feel the rust on them. Granted, rust, the finer stuff off of old, unkempt spoons, can feel quite gentle and all, it doesn't necessarily constitute a national pastime or a hobby that attracts chicks. Perhaps I'm being shallow, but did you note the Author's Notes and confirm he claims this is his second flash? Yet, I confirmed two submissions in his "Other Submissions" list, so that means three.

A previous reviewer noted this guy might be on crack (or the protagonist), but he can grasp the methods of flash animation while being unable to count the submissions he made. Lacking in professionalism or purpose, this flash doesn't bode well for the man's debut on the front page spotlight....

[The Real Legend]

Utterly Fantastic Dark Humor

One practitioner of black comedy was Gary Larson and his Far Side cartoons received constant praise. In 1995, he retired the livestock and suburbs for other pursuits. He quickly vanished into obscurity, ushering the sad twilight of dark humor. Many Flash animators of Newgrounds make solid attempts at dark humor, but are either abrasive or violent for the sake of violence.

This flash is a pleasant exception.

Granfaloon asks, "What would occur if Link didn't possess his heroic stature from day one (like how he is depicted in the games)?"

The results are mind-blowing. Link is born under a bad sign, suffering repeated blows to the head by Ocarinas, horses, and the back of Navi's hand. He is rather puny and slow of wit, but still determined to save Hyrule. Uh oh. This doesn't bode well for Mr. Miyamoto at all!

The show-stealer, however, is his fairie companion, Navi. She is a cold, hard bitch. Her foul mouth is worth our time along. She receives countless close-ups of her womanly physique, attracting the demographics of fantasy art fans and porn addicts. She even accuses Sheik of being gay (assuming the claim of being a guy is true). Thankfully, she receives a couple slaps. This is a spoof on the other characters, too.

At over 5 MB, it isn't for frail processors or connections. It is worth the wait--watch it two or three times. Voice-acting is unsteady and repeatedly modified in the finished product; Granfaloon should solicit volunteers in an organized fashion through the NG BBS.

If this becomes a series (please!), Granfaloon will become a premier animator for Newgrounds. He is known for "How to Draw Anime Girls", which is worth your time browsing his submission list. Of course, there's a good deal of sexual comedy. It is geared, again, toward porn addicts.

Black humor is lost on many practitioners, but the blend of vulgarity and juxtaposed values of reality and perception makes this Legend of Zelda spoof an exception to the rule, and a highlight to a tour of Newgrounds' best flashes.

[The 12 Pains of Christmas]

Great Concept, Good Effort

I'm not a fan of the Clock phenomenon, but this flash is good. It extrapolates the hilarity of a carol spoof (often heard on some radio stations) that denounces the commercialization and apathy of an honorable religious holiday. Some, however will see the Clocks through the lens of notoriety and shun the flash altogether (going so far as forgetting to click the "0" button to help blam it).

Clocks parallel the Republicans & Democrats. The political parties are engines for candidates to win elections, nothing more. They don't have central values and they attract considerably poor attention to themselves. The same is true of the Clock Crew; Newgrounds gained extra popularity through their notoriety. Both political parties and the Clock Crew receive a similar form of disdain due to their notoriety and prominence. Reading the review archive of flashes featuring the Clocks, we find a majority is diametrically against their continuing existence.

What bugs me the most is the fact that many have written a review without voting. As a result, approximately 1,800 votes granted the flash a total average score of about 4.19 (as of December 23, 2003). These reviews (often abusive ones)don't bother to vote from 0 to 5. Hatred of the Clocks is apparently blind.

In any case, this above average flash deserves a look or two during Christmas. Speaking of which, the twelve days actually begin on the twenty-fifth (not the thirteenth), so there's plenty of time to actually celebrate the holidays without mulling about the details that lead up to it.

Merry Christmas.

[Strategy Guide Ep. 1]

Excellent!

Strategy Guide is a series focused on objective instead of subjective elements of video games. If you didn't know the difference between the two, one objective element is challenge, while one subjective element is a game's story. If the game had a great story, and was simple to beat, seasoned players would feel dissatisfied. If things were reversed, players would probably enjoy the game more. If a good story and reasonable challenges exist together, we attain the hallmark game attains popular praise from players and cynical magazine critics alike.

Guido is an excitable, filthy-mouth game critic with nostalgic feelings for the Nintendo Entertainment System. He talks about the really difficult games like Gradius--where people used the "Konami Code" to beat. Pay attention and you see Guido's pet cow (thrown into space for breaking some sensitive electronics) decimated by an incoming asteroid). This Flash is fun, hilarious, and definitely deserves high praise.

In other news...

In the last review of this flash, DimmuBorgir complained about something called IRONLIONZION and how the typical Internet idiots post inane or stupid sentences with poor grammatical structure. He did say something about Strategy Guide somewhere in the review, so it sounded somewhat like a review... sort of. It sounded more like a somethingawful.com article, minus the horrid & deliberate misuse of the English language to create literary diatribes. I considered clicking the Abusive button, because it didn't seem to directly affect his review of Strategy Guide (it could have been much shorter. My review could have been much shorter, too).

I know it seems poor to say this in a review, but folks, if you want to have your voice heard, the NG BBS is where you go. Reviews are different; your voice is heard, on the expectation that you deliver a genuine analysis (or simply whether you liked it or not) of a Flash movie, or game. You risk being clicked as abusive otherwise. One review was titled "Yeah" and it talked about how to get "Free Porn" (doesn't exist) with amateurs (meaning they do it for free--morons) and never commented on the flash. I clicked Abusive.

Sorry to reiterate this, but we have to use our heads once in a while. In any case, Needle ought to keep up the good work. From the initial episode, I like where this series is going.

Needle responds:

You are wise beyond your years, my friend.

[You are a F*cking Moron7]

In less profanity than that last reviewer....

Walrus is making the series a journalistic venture, rather than merely quoting stupid or incriminating lines from celebrities. This change does not weighing down the final product. Reginold's opinions are becoming opaque, real, and funnier than before.

The grist for Walrus' mill is high in terms of Michael Jackson. An extra week spent on editing is understandable. I would probably

If it has not achieved it yet, the series will be the cornerstone of roast-oriented flash series on Newgrounds. I love "You Are a ****ing Moron," so keep up the good work!

[Strategy Guide Ep. 2]

Game Strategy Satire--Heaven or Garden of Eden?

Flashes denouncing video games often do so by citing subjective reasons (art, story, character, developer or publisher, et cetera). Strategy Guide cites objective examples (gameplay, difficulty, technical standards, et cetera), and that makes a difference! Players agree fully with the message and never challenge its view. Strategy Guide capitalizes on players' time-old frustration with some games to great effect.

There are, however, problems that become ugly if untreated:

First, either ditch the alien family or keep it out of sight for most of the time. The cow's deaths (reminiscent of South Park) are funnier than racial stereotypes. The Newgrounds BBS frowns upon picking on retards for several reasons--one is that we can do better.

Second, the profanity is losing its edge. Don't dispel it completely, but use it sparingly! Substitute greater wit in Guido's narrative. (Think of players' conversations while playing video games. They are chuck full of hilarity.)

Building the universe for an intellectual property is done before scripting episodes. With the foundation in place, it is summoned when necessary--and never practice it dogmatically. Guido's tirades must be in the foreground. Everything else is secondary to that goal.

Observe The Walrus' "You Are a $%^&ing Moron" series. In the first episode, Reginold denounces Jessica Sampson in under a minute--expecting us to go along with his sentiment. Walrus realized one example per episode was not enough. After researching Ms. Sampson, he roasted her even more in the improved second episode. He experimented with two side-kicks, as opposed to about a dozen. One was killed, and the other stays in the background. Reginold's style of speech and analysis of celebrity intelligence are chief concerns, since they produce the laughter.

I DID laugh with this series, but I'm just spooked at the notion of it becoming something worse than its intent. Keep up the good effort, but just be careful about where that goes...

Needle responds:

Hey, thanks for takingt the time to write seuch an exhaustive review, I appreciate it. Very well written.

I can see where you're coming from with your arguements. I can understand you worries that this may become a cartoon that is clogged with sidekicks - and to that, I can only say "worry not". I have no intention to ever take the focus away from Guido - but other characters were necessary. One can only use one character to carry the workload so long (and I think the author of the "Moron" series will soon learn this). The family is merely there to support Guido. The game of choice will NEVER leave the focus, you have my word. If I break this word, you may blam me.

I really want Strategy Guide to be successful, but I want it to be so on its own merits. While it makes sense to compare me to other sires now, I hope in time I will aaccomplish the goal of "beging compared to" instead. I will do my best. Thank you for your feedback!