Neophyte-Ronin's movie Reviews on Newgrounds

[The Ocean]

This sucks. Not in a funny way, either. I mean, is this inspired by the Chicago Academy of Art? If so, then that place must suck, too.

Okay, so the audio and flash is done by this BPremo guy and he wants to sing about going to the ocean and having sex there. Yeah, okay. Then it unravels in classic Newgrounds fashion, replete of screaming and blood oozing from the skin inexplicably.

This is therapy for BPremo after his impressive NATA submission. He needed something fucking stupid to cleanse himself of the dramatic stuff he's not used to doing. Yeah, so it's just practice, really. It's just a crass catharsis between his NATA participation and his typical fare. In other words, don't expect anything incredible.

The fact that it's all done by one guy requires two stars, but personally, I wasn't amused. I've seen it before, and I'll likely see it again. And I'll always give it low scores unless it manages to make me laugh. Which, in this case, didn't happen.

Bill responds:

"When one is drained of all humor, anything beautiful is met with one of two things: disdainful worry or worrisome disdain. Anything ugly is met with violence. Flash is complex and beautiful, not a toy. Keep that in mind... or things get ugly real quick."

Dude you're on a site where the main export is dick jokes.

[Megapope]

Somehow it doesn't surprise me this was part of a senior thesis at a university. It just doesn't. It really doesn't. Okay. So let's get one thing straight: there should be a disclaimer saying this is a work of fiction. Similarities to persons living or dead are coincidental or unintentional. That way, Lord Spew (Sean Glaze) doesn't get sued out his ass or blacklisted for perpetuating secular left extremism. Seriously!

Let's get this straight: this is a severely bigoted parody of Catholicism, namely a what-if sci-fi tale where the brain of Jesus gets cloned from parts of his brain found in an archaeological dig (a far-fetched proposition by religious and scientific standards; how is anyone certain they found Jesus's DNA in the first place, let alone an intact brain after over two thousand years?). It is inserted into the skull of a deceased pope reconstituted into a cybernetic hodgepodge whose behavior should offend the daylights out of anybody in active recovery from severe or persistent mental illness. To then hire a speech writer who's an atheist with an agenda to despoil what he considers a greater sham, only to have it backfire after an explicitly useless confrontation with a paladin with an agenda all his own... yeah, you get the picture: this is absolute bullshit.

This reminds me so much of Dan Brown if Dan Brown wanted to write and draw comic books. This stuff misquotes and misrepresents the faith in such a heinous fashion but dresses itself up in comic flair--a parody, so as to be considered fair use--that it just falls in on itself. Not that the jokes cannot be gotten--they're just unfunny. Paired with the fact that this is the same man behind Fisthead, a superhero parody that is actually worth our time for its sheer gratuity, and you leave the cartoon feeling let down and even wincing. This is just another one of those cartoons that decides to be extreme by misrepresenting everything to the extent that it's bigotry, pure and simple. There is a good chance that this garbage will persevere at Newgrounds because it's fictional, but in all seriousness, it's a hateful diatribe that could only come from a university campus, where this sort of double standard tends to breed.

As for the technical garbage, yeah, it's a fluid animation. The caricatures are expressive, classic stereotypes of clergy who do not practice what they preach (including one guy who spews on himself after mowing down chicken leg after chicken leg), and the absurdity and irreverence is constant. Yet, it doesn't have what Fisthead has in spades: love. This was a cartoon engineered out of hatred of the subject matter, while Fisthead has its insanity within a more respectable context and was over-the-top with a supreme appreciation of what they were picking on. Not here. This is where attitude towards source material affects the outcome of a piece in a negative light. Can you say with any confidence that this sort of insufferable garbage could be performed if it where aimed at Jews, Buddhists, Eastern Orthodoxy, Protestants, Shintoists, Evangelicals, Islam, Hindu, Coptic, Unitarians, or any other faith or denomination thereof? No. No faith has a bigger bulls-eye than Catholicism does. To tell the truth, this is a barb against all religions as well because it oversimplifies the whole issue over faith and dismisses everything as passe superstition.

Lord Spew is a talented, skilled cartoonist and animator who should focus all his future attentions upon Fisthead and do us all a favor by dodging and not provoking controversy, because "Megapope" is proof positive that, if he picked any other subject, his approach would be utterly and clinically fatal to his standing. We would get a cheap laugh all right, but that's all we would remember him for: a cheap laugh. Like those Comedy Central comics who whip out the Catholic card when they're dying out there in the audience. And seriously, that has got to stop. Even Lord Spew is above "Megapope". So why was it ever made?

Because it was a final at a university. That's why.

LordSpew responds:

hHAHAHAH First of all if you need a disclaimer to tell you that this is fiction your a fucking nutcase ahhaha. You are trying to make scientific sense out of a cartoon you fucking nutbag. This is a "what if" scenario not a true story. Also, a university has nothing to do with my subject matter. I did fisthead at a university too you fucking simpleton. Even if it provides a negative light on Catholicism (a hypothetical one) at the end Ned realizes Megapope is a good guy even if he is crazy. So Jesus, in this make believe cartoon is still a good guy worth respecting in some capacity. MEGAPOPE IS THE GOOD GUY YOU IDIOT. The three cardinals could have just as well been the heads of any large company that is trying to keep face. I don't have a problem with religion. In fact, all the arguments against religion in this are so ridiculous that they wouldn't be taken seriously. You are a very impressionable (whatever age you are person). And the fact that you gave this 8 minute cartoon with "fluid" animation and developed story a zero compared to some of the garbage that is on here is a true example of how bigotted YOU are. A real christian would turn the other cheek and give me a five. you stinky piece of high-horse garbage.

You responded to this video with a whole page worth of paragraph and "fluff" to make you sound intelligent. Instead of doing that, how about having an intelligent argument.. It had that much impact on you that you will remember this video even if it is a "cheap laugh." And that is cool by my me. The only thing you have done is make people more interested in this piece because you made such a big deal out of it.

Maybe I should put a disclaimer at the front of fisthead so the police don't try to arrest him! He is killing all these people and cartoons are real!

[The Broken Machine]

Savage011 has produced a number of cartoons over the years that, despite lackluster, mediocre artistic merits, contain a great deal of earnest heart. Each cartoon has serious tone and pays homage to various genre films, like summaries of whole bunches of them. For that, they are worth checking out. "The Broken Machine" is a classic example of Savage's signature approach. It's a science fiction thriller that should have debuted on Robot Day with extra polish.

The robot Jones must retrieve an emotion disk able to restore his companion's neural network, but his employer is interested in the disk in another way. He gift-wraps information about who holds it, but are they truly on the same side?

The artwork and sound production are on the low side, but nobody can deny that this emulates a wide variety of sci-fi thrillers that Hollywood produces on regular occasion. It's also a great tribute to the ridiculous fascination Newgrounds people have with robots. MindChamber ought to get a kick out of this. The lack of vocals, perhaps a nod to silent films, is another Savage trademark--he doesn't use dialog to advance a simple plot begin with. Maybe Savage cannot incorporate voices into projects just yes, or does not wish to. In any case, you leave his cartoon with a warm smile from the cozy familiarity of the subject matter and of its treatment. This is a labor of love.

A drawback is lack of artistic flair. Flash is difficult to work with since lines never appear as they are intended without playing with settings or bending and flexing straight lines into desired contours. It's hard to transition from pencil and paper to digital media. Also, despite hints of an art background, particularly with facial compositions, Savage has a long way to go. His is a cartoonish approach that belies subject matter, showing limited routine opportunities to sketch and study the real stuff and transition this into the digital medium.

So, in the interest in helping a solid contributor to the Portal, I recommend investments in the following: Pen Tablet, Document Scanner, Figure Drawing Courses (or just study and sketch or trace photo-realistic images of humans. Carry a sketchbook everyday and everywhere.

Once you get good, you could submit a slideshow Flash displaying your best sketches; Shadman is notorious for his digital sketchbooks (well, notorious in general). Access to a document scanner is required, although a digital camera that lets you transcribe AND trace collected images onto Flash is better if you're otherwise mobile. Snap photos of anything, not just the eye-catching stuff.

Explore some of Flash's features. A Tablet is the biggest transition, though it can be tricky to draw without looking at where your hand is. Actually, this might actually be good. I've noticed long ago you can create beautiful lines without that feather effect if you don't pay attention to where your hand is, but rather where it is going. This can be transmitted to typing as well, not only to fingers but to the screen itself: look elsewhere while typing. I will write in a notepad, prop it next to my monitor, and type what I've written. Create everywhere.

Don't produce in a vacuum--simple professionalism demands being social with fellow colleagues. Don't be afraid to gush and schmooze fellow Newgrounds artists in particular whose work you applaud. Keep it up and stay consistent and enthusiastic every minute with your work. Never be afraid to keep this up, even if you think you suck right now. These steps and more are crucial to the development of an effective cartoonist.

"The Broken Machine" is a nifty Flash and shouldn't be brought down from limited artistic merit. Plenty of heart courses through this cartoon; it's to the point and can teach a veteran a thing or two about pacing and keeping it simple. "The Broken Machine" isn't flashy, but that's another source of charm: it doesn't draw attention to itself. That's got to be commendable, right? 3.5 of 5.

savage011 responds:

this is probably my favorite review of all time, i really appreciate how you looked into this alot, thanks man

[TELLIETUHBEEZ]

Wow! This one destroyed everyone's childhood.

Okay, so this is a parody of Teletubbies. You can figure out the rest.

Sound quality is crackling and bad, from a miserable microphone and register. The acting and effects are there, but processed bad. It's all timed good and quick-paced. The cartooning is there, too. And the size of the file won't kill you either. Let's be modest here: we haven't had a good Teletubbies spoof in a while, and the laughs from this one is consistent with Newgrounds fare.

"TELLIETUHBEEZ" and SpeedoSausage are worth checking out, but watch out--this thing is pretty up there in terms of lewdness. Highly recommended for anyone with a deranged sense of humor or who wants to have a deranged sense of humor.

Speedo responds:

Fanks a bunch :D Yeah, the shitty microphone just lets this whole thing down. Ah well, future toons (and hopefully I'll mean it this time) will have proper, good-quality audio.

[WTFHaveYouDone?.mp4]

"WTF Have You Done?" is a public service announcement courtesy of Nevermind. It's a big file since it is an MP4 and not a regular shockwave file, but you know what? It needed to be done by somebody, somehow. It's good to know I'm not alone in this regard, which is why I always devise lengthy reviews like these. If I didn't, I'd end up like every other delinquent account holder who doesn't bother to review the guidelines. Let it be known across the continents, my friends: Newgrounds is not YouTube.

The plot is a simple example of what happens. While it's loading, you will refer to any reviews available to be viewed, often when something has passed judgment. What you see is a series of comments that don't review anything, drop hints and spoilers, and is roughly what comments are in other sites: pointless.

Some are queries addressing the author that are never replied to because they aren't actually reviews, or the question is banal or answered by someone else already (if they thought to look). Those sorts of questions are what private messaging is for. Ever heard about writing a letter? It's a lot more personal; some authors will actually be glad to receive one or two. A Private Message, while quicker and fast-food-like, still has some sentimentality attached.

I understand Newgrounds' madness and method to push a massive site modernization with a revamp that took like five years, but what it also did was invite people who think this place is now just another media site. We fail to realize that the rules didn't change. The revamp pulled in newcomers or returning vets who either forgotten the rules or fail to understand what reviewing really means: offering balanced criticism for content.

It's written in the Voting graphic not to be a hater or ass-kisser, and the red text reminds us all not to make smug jokes, post stupid nonsense, or act like a total jerk. Well said. We need those kinds of reminders. Thank you for not smoking, you know... anyway, that YouTube-esque stuff we see, what this cartoon illustrates, is under stupid nonsense. It can be seen as useless or even abusive. Also, as Grounds Gold Members, we are prompted to review the guidelines of conduct, which explicitly ask you think twice about reviewing if you can contribute nothing relevant, insightful, or beneficial for the author. You're writing for the author's benefit and for others who wonder if what they're about to play or view is worthwhile. Even a protected, well-made flash can be overall poor in taste, while the shoddiest disaster can still be funny or even heartfelt. Stating what went okay and what went wrong is part of nurturing the development of a Flash Author. Hence, the Review section is important and should be treated that way. If we can't respect the vessel with which to show respect to the author, how then are we respecting authors?

End of Site Commentary.

Okay, now for this cartoon, it lasts a very short while and is a big file, so that's already a glaring issue. MP4 moves smoothly and there's little degradation to visual or audio quality, but the voice work was minimal and occasionally grates at the microphone's weak register. In any case, the stab-yourself-in-the-eye trick really hits the whole idea home. It's not the prettiest thing in the world, but it shows some random examples that underscore the point being made until we get the message. There is also a disclaimer, which also continues to hit the message home: these "reviews" are stupid. There's even a "First and its Cool" message, an actual review. What? Are these people kidding me? Do I not see this stuff personally? I can't believe this stuff gets dumped here!

If we want to explore the horror of adding a new BBS thread for comments for each and every Flash that comes out (so we don't bog up the Review Sections with garbage), then we're missing the point and creating yet another problem. It is the responsibility of every Grounds Gold Account holder on Newgrounds to think before they type. Nevermind should receive applause for illustrating that.

Dunso responds:

And maybe a complimentary lecture in how to handle flie size, since believe it or not this is an sfw. Thank you for a genuine review!

[Missile-Toe WIP]

Such a place as DUMPING GROUNDS! But man, this is good. You should definitely finish this one and release it around Christmas this year. The voice-overs are awesome but very rough in production quality. This needs to get finished, in any case. Just, post new developments in Dumping Grounds from now on, okay? It's hard to critique unfinished work.

geniusface responds:

Dumping Ground, huh? I had never heard of such a thing... thanks :)

[brom.]

This has been a public service announcement from "I don't give a shit please stop fucking posting this wanker-fest".

It's a very brief cartoon, more like a slideshow presentation. The sound quality is inconsistent--some of the screams are way to loud and will startle the unwary, which is everyone--and finally, it does reek of first-time-ever attempt at Flash. I remember when my brother submitted one about Master Chief way back during Halo 2 (he has since gotten rid of it to perk up his batting average). I bet this one will go the wayside as well, assuming that future submissions by davosaurus will be far better.

It's still worth a couple belly laughs, deriding the idiocy of standing up a broom during a solar flare. Now we have to go and research this to make sure it isn't some urban myth or larger-than-usual deception that's easily replicable. Anyway, davo should submit something soon, get his recording levels down pat, and make us laugh in better ways than spewing hate on a bunch of idiots. There are things that deserve our attention, which is pretty much the point of this presentation. Put money where mouth is.

davohsaurus responds:

Yeah, this was my first stab with a draw pad and I'm still getting used to it but still wanted to make something. I have some projects in the near future and am going to play with the audio levels some more so I don't bust ear drums.

All in all, I have to say thanks for pointing out the flaws and there will be improvement.

[Donut Quest]

Chris Voigt's mind is never in the gutter, but his taste in animation sure as hell is. This is one of his tame ones, mostly because it excludes common Greasy Moose characters and devises a setup that likely exists outside of that. It's a modern urban fantasy satire called "Donut Quest". It features an electro-synth rendition of his old thrash metal band's back catalog, replacing the music that was intended for the piece (but never arrived). In light of that fallout, "Donut Quest" rocks, plain and simple.

Our protagonist finds his refrigerator deprived of donuts and discovers his roommate chilling on the hammock outside with the box. Throwing a conniption, he drags out the scoped rifle and takes potshots to prevent the very last doughnut from being eaten. His buddy jacks a kid's scooter, while he abducts and rides a llama in hot pursuit. Extreme though as this appears, it reaches epic heights when they encounter a red-skinned satyr deep in the forest (perhaps a parody of Adam Philips' irascible Bitey of Brackenwood, who is also a satyr) and a bullet clips the creature's horns, angering him beyond reason. Despite the madness that pours out, will the roomies reconcile, or will their lives and their doughnut deprivation fall to rubble like the city around them?

In terms of content--as stated above--this is one of Sexual Lobster's tamest pieces yet, chiefly because it does not involve classic Greasy Moose characters as Fernando or Gooseman. It is just as frenetic, overblown, ridiculous, and Looney Tunes-esque, so no worries about whether he's going soft (he isn't). The quality is still up there, thanks in part to following a comic, or applying an excellent storyboard. Little touches like vehicular accidents and drying a tear from the eye after ecstatic laughter help to convey a sense of reality and immersion into the affairs. There is even filaments of heroism among the roommates, which prevent you from thinking they are stock; they're not perfect, but they are human, and given to bouts of reason as well as passion. The end is expected though satisfying, even if it's a little far-fetched. On the other hand, what can one do when the army is getting the situation at hand?

Anyway, there are glimmers that Chris Voigt's classic emphasis on randomness or constant piercing hilarity is coming to a brief close. It's a smug notion to think you can rest on perversions and graphic content forever, or to subside on one brand of humor throughout your whole tenure in Flash Animation. Here, we have a situation that does not involve constant drug or sexual references, yet contains the same brand of hilarity that makes the Greasy Moose material so cool. It's a rough little trip around the block, but if this represents where Chris wishes to take us in future cartoons, then so be it. I'm all for it, in fact.

The last piece of this puzzle is the soundtrack; as a music video, it requires this. Chris used an old track from his thrash metal days and gave it an electro-synth spin, making for a juicy tune. I recommend you download it and parade it around like it was from the 1980s. While the cartoon doesn't suck, if it did, this track would almost likely be the saving grace. Small wonder why Chris doesn't submit more music to the Portal, including stuff not heard in his cartoons!

"Donut Quest" is something you can show to an 80s buff or a young kid or your parents, and you won't worry about if they'll be offended or "not get it", and it's probably the only cartoon that Chris Voigt has made thus far that represents him at his current best. That's saying a lot, considering who the "Sexual Lobster" is touted to be!

Sexual-Lobster responds:

well i think this is by far the biggest review i've gotten, congratulations!

although my band wasn't thrash metal - the song that i originally made this too was metal, but it wasn't by me. my band was more of a pop/rock outfit.

re your third last paragraph, i would say this is just a deviation from my regular schtick, ill have more of that.

[Love the Nukes]

It is one of the really rare instances when a Clock production goes above and beyond the usual conventions and pulls off a memorable performance. Here, it is "Love the Nukes", a protest piece about nuclear energy. Whether you agree with the sentiment or not, or even choose to believe that this is nothing but propagandizing, you cannot help but appreciate the polish and even some of its novelty.

After Radio Tube Clock slips and breaks open a nuclear warhead with his buddy, he scrambles for iodide to prevent precious metabolic glands from exploding. When they discover the wrapper invites them on a tour of a major nuclear power plant, they are oddly enthusiastic about going. What they discover there are the pratfalls of any nuclear power plant: technical precision to an unmanageable extent and difficulties in expelling the radioactive byproducts. Finally, they take a high elevator to the skyline, where they observe planet earth and ruminate upon the fall of humanity after a massive proliferation and self-extincting nuclear war.

The visuals are polished, to say the least. This doesn't happen with every run-of-the-mill Clock movie; this one is actually pretty to look at. Another feature are voice-overs. They aren't mixed together well so their volume levels are equalized, but this is one of the rare examples where authors with a Clock moniker are willing to voice themselves. Usually, it's a case of Speakonia or combination thereof. Here, it's all them, and it's a wonderful sensation. Let's be very honest here: isn't actual voice-overs superior over Speakonia? Yeah, thought so.

While RadioTubeClock suffers the anxiety of living near a nuclear power plant, he pretty much uses this excuse to completely tarnish it, disregarding anything beneficial or providing a fair presentation that has both sides have their say. It's a case of leading them by their noses, which is often the case with many Newgrounds flashes centered on political matters. The fact is many of us fail to have any maturity or consideration when considering the merit of an opposed viewpoint. It translates to the screen, and that causes even supporters to blink or wince or step back and see this for what it is: a piece of propaganda. A glamorous, transcendental-for-a-clock-movie piece of propaganda.

It's also an April Fools' Day Flash, so this wonderful experience of hearing Clocks talk is nothing but a gag; they aren't going to adopt this as their motif and never will. None of this should dissuade a serious discussion over how to figure out a way to solve an energy crisis or offer up a compromise that is mutually beneficial; in fact, part of why I appreciate "Love the Nukes" is that it's a perfect conversation piece. It is meant to provoke people into word or action, not to discourage it. Part of its success rides on being so one-sided, a distinction that will earn it bad press, but is not as severe a weakness as one may think. There are plenty of people who are proponents of nuclear energy, having weighed the risks and are willing to devise ways to satisfy both parties. They'll stumble upon this Clock production and go, "Screw you, that's not how it's gonna end! Here's how it ends!" And they'll make a Flash of their doomsday prediction with the same production values, and so on.

In either case, "Love the Nukes" is required viewing for detractors of Clocks, let alone the nuclear energy debaters. It shows the camaraderie and the ability of Clocks as well as their ability to adapt from old habits. It also has reasonable visual appeal, stunning and perhaps even unsettling. For what it is, it's well-engineered. I'm giving this a 4 of 5 Stars.

RadioTubeClock responds:

Thanks for the well thought-out review! I like to put a lot of detail into my work, it's satisfying seeing things that i've visualized in my head come to life. I'm planning on working with a fellow clock to balance the voice levels better in the future, although such things are usually easier said than done. I've never regretted using real voice actors, although it definitely slows down the production of things while waiting for lines from everyone.

I'm aware that nuclear energy has it's fair share of advantages over other energy sources as well, but I figured that providing one side of the argument, like you said, would help to promote discussion. i was originally going to mimic the 'scary tunnel' scene from Willy Wonka, showing scenes related to the disadvantages associated with fossil fuels, such as spills, air pollution, and conflicts, but I ended up deciding to keep the movie short and to the point, as even without this scene it still ran a good five minutes. I also figured that such imagery would make this movie a lot darker than it already is, and more so than I had intended.

As far as the Clock Crew goes, I like to think there is spectrum of different tones and production values that our flashes cover, with my works covering the more 'quality' side of things. I'm glad that my movie let you see the often lesser known side of the crew while bringing up some interesting discussion.

Thanks for the review.

[Fluffo]

Is it too late to marvel at this one's brilliance? I mean, let's face it: right now on the Front Page of Newgrounds is nothing but parodies and tributes; one satire entrenched in video game marketing, that's about it. "Fluffo" not only embraces the Newground style of original characters and production, it exemplifies it.

In this short by oxob3000, the little creature Fluffo explores a cavern in the arctic filled with wonders and mysteries, but gets the cold shoulder from a shadowy predator. Can he make it out with wits and fur intact?

Now, oxob3000 has made several Stick Figures in the past and the fluidity of the animation for both Fluffo and his enemy--not to mention a few good prop effects--sets itself above most standards and at a low, low file size of 2.9 mb. Very few people I know personally can pull that sort of thing off. Next, the soundtrack and effects are juicy and well-mixed, fitting the mood like leather gloves.

Finally, and this is most important: the action was so quick and concise that the character Fluffo could easily be replicated time and time again, a little adventurer out in a brave new world. The great part about the character is that it doesn't have a trace of the violence that is almost mandatory when referring to a stick movie. Face it: you can't be without it. With characters that are mobile at some level, this decides to take another route: survival. The wilderness crossed with fantastic creatures turns this into a nature program of sorts, like the stuff from National Geographic. Influences like Adam Philips and the Ice Age movie franchise also leave notable marks, though to be certain, this is all oxob3000 flexing his muscles and showcasing another side of him. The rabid cuteness of Fluffo must be the most profound juxtaposition to oxob's back catalog, but without that catalog, there would be no Fluffo.

The influence of Fluid Anims and other stick figure speicalty sites--sites that concentrate less on anatomical detail and emphasize effects and consistent output--have groomed a renaissance man out of oxob3000. "Fluffo" is a step above and beyond the fold--modest at first glance, but striking regardless.

Post-Script: While you're at it, check out Fluffo's Newgrounds-based soundtrack that catches the cartoon's essence perfectly. The musicians are pretty talented!

oxob3000 responds:

You notice things in this animation that I never even though of o_o lol
I'm glad you liked it, and thanx for the review :)