Neophyte-Ronin's movie Reviews on Newgrounds

[War Of Teh Worlds]

Mars Needs Bangers and Mash in Mass Quantities

Few things come through as stifling and lame-brained than a school presentation ported over to the Newgrounds audience. "Blahoink" manufactured one to showcase a literary classic in a roundabout way that tries to be funny... but really the joke is on itself. "War of The Worlds" is only marginally better than contracting ebola, but it is worse than throat cancer and then hearing about what really causes throat cancer.

"War of Teh Worlds" is based upon the H.G. Wells novel, meaning the adaptations to radio or film are excluded. This is Victorian England besieged by Martians who, feeling their planet is becoming uninhabitable, constructed and launched devices that travel to Planet Earth and, one-by-one, strike upon the surface of the world... well, actually they all hit England, one after another. Because they're that accurate. Yeah.

On that note: people adapted latter versions of "War of the Worlds" just because Martians don't hit one specific location... they hit all of them. Even if they're going to die by bacteria in the end, they wouldn't just go after rainy ol' London, that's just stupid. They'd go after the whole damn planet. Hell, they'd probably hit up the oceans well before hitting the continents. Anyway, there are plenty of reasons why "War of the Worlds" can get a bad rap... but the book report fails to include reasons why we'd want to read the book, which is what those stupid reports are meant to do! In any case, landing upon one specific location, as the summary seems to describe (with first, second, etc., strikes all within a similar vicinity without reporting on any other strikes upon the world), that's like the difference between the Watchmen comic and its movie adaptation, which features a far more feasible conspiracy plot. Even if Alan Moore doesn't support the movie version, its "MacGuffin" made greater sense. Plots and storytelling never get old, but updates and revisions to said stories occur so that the author's original concepts are expressed for a new audience that may look at old books and throw them aside. It's a shame we do that, but that's why "War of the Worlds" got revised.

The lunacy of this Flash's summary has just explained that to me; that has to mean something. Still, this is another school project rendered in Flash--a book report--that features an awful microphone and even worse narrative inflections. It isn't meant to be showy with Flash tecnniques or artistic merits, although you sort of wish it did. The sound system is provided by OGM, Obscenely Ghetto Microphone, which hasn't seen the light of day since the Cactaur & Tonberry cartoons like ten years ago.

"War of Teh Worlds" is a dismal little thing to showcase on Newgrounds, but maybe listening to it will properly clear up a literary classic and maybe spur some interest in the book itself. Or maybe we'll just turn on the radio and listen to some music....

blahoink responds:

Dear Neophyte-Ronin (that sounds like "fairy-japanese-midget", by the way),

First off, I would like to say thank you. These five elaborate, well thought out, and researched paragraphs really showed me what the original novel was trying to portray, and how I, the author of this flash animation, completely butchered it.

In hindsight, maybe I should have added more logical sequences and scenes in the animation, which would more likely happen if Martians did happen to invade our Earth. And then to appease the general Newgrounds audience, add extremely bloody stick battles, assault rifles, loud explosions, and maybe a few scattered sex scenes starring our very sexy and attractive main character, who is actually a werewolf-vampire and gets slayed by an army of Justin Biebers at the end of all of it.

But then, this being a school project, my teacher would probably fall of her rolly-office chair, puke all over the computer screen in disgust, and then give me an F-minus-minus-minus-minus. But I digress...

And then to address the issue of the bad quality of all of this. Being June and at the end of the school year, I could put my try-hard pants on and blow my half-asleep English classes' minds, but I had an Xbox 360 to attend to. And for your information, the Obscenely Ghetto Microphone brand is highly respected here in Massachusetts. All my friends have one, and we enjoy talking to each other over the internet and try to decode our dirty sex jokes over the incredible amount of static and general scratchy shit.

So, please excuse me, I have to go cry and masturbate with my tears in the corner of my bedroom now.

[Comfort Eagle]

Unsettling but Effective Comeback for Cheshirecat!

"Comfort Eagle" is another opus from Ashley Voortman, whose latest installments in her catalog feature several Music Videos that bring Hania Lee's Audio Portal releases to life. This is her first submission in 2011, which begs several questions: why didn't this come out sooner? Or, where has she been, anyway?

If such questions do not come to mind, click play and we'll talk.

This is a music video with stellar choreographed sequences and lush, detailed pop art, juxtaposed with serious, almost incendiary subject matter and musical lyrics. Refrain from making snap judgments from the music or subject matter and try to breathe it in... if you can. If the song already has a music video, then this might actually gain greater notoriety. The meaning is a deep one... something about the material culture running things to the ground and our fateful decision to go with a flow into its undertow or swim against doom. There's also murky insinuations of one-world governments, conspiracies, and life on the edge (and not in that fashionable Bohemian way, either).

We've seen it all before, but never in a stunning fashion as this. Ashley manages to pull things off like a decent frame rate despite the objects on screen (and their details), and the obligatory subliminal effects are chilling even after the song has escaped your memory. If there was a Newgrounds flash author who needed to show up more often and show off, it has to be Ashley.

"Comfort Eagle" is not a music video for the faint of heart. It can be taken in all kinds of different ways. One thing is for sure: it can ruin your day at the beach and remind you of everything that is crumbling all around you... now all you have to do is run around and dodge the flaming wreckage from above.

Or... just do a day at the beach without as much "stuff" as you had the last time you went. Maybe just the clothes on your back and a wallet with some cash. And meet someone. Hot. "Comfort Eagle" can also remind you of what's important provided you sit back and listen long enough.

cheshirecat1582 responds:

Love the long reviews...
Thanks!
Where have I been? Life... that's the best answer I have for you... Ive been doing more hands on art projects lately... And ran out of supplies so instead of just sitting on my butt I decided to pick up animation again...

You know I haven't seen the "real" music video for this cake song.... I tend to stay away from viewing music videos that I'm animating or plan to animate in the future because I hate to be influenced.... When I watch or have seen a video of a song, its all i can think of... and its hard to get past it... And think of new ideas.

Anyways, appreciate the review... it fans the flames for the want and need to create more... especially when its something I'm passionate about.
So thanks you made my day
-Ashley

[Kawaii Battle Stars]

Not for Everybody... Still, it's a Gag-Fest!

Few collaborations exist where the authors produce something beyond their capacity. This isn't one of them. It's polished, true, but "Kawaii Battle Stars" is sophomoric bullshit artistry that doesn't appeal to everybody, okay?

This is a satirical blend of horror and modern urban fantasy, where five sisterly youths are granted powers that help them fight crime and try to cheat their way through teen life. It is a mockery of the CLAMP-inspired Japanese Manga ribaldry that goes through a wood chipper of North American localization like that scene in Fargo. In a greater perspective, it attacks Sailor Moon almost exclusively. It also rips apart incidents of "Engrish" and baits us for an episode that WILL NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN! You know why? Because these guys have bigger fish to fry, and this material, as well as its overbearing delivery, can get old fast.

You know, this would be a fuckload more palatable if the designers decided to stray from what made that "Sailor Moon" parody so great--that was a dub over some guy's horrible voice-over spoof, where everyone got a chance to animate a small segment, much like a collab except they followed the spoof's plot--and actually conscript some goddamned women to voice the roles. I mean, come on... wouldn't they be the ones that would be more inspired or COMPELLED to destroy these cartoons from the inside out? Then again, I swear to have heard the same voice characterization nimrod who despoiled Rina-Chan's reputation in that Street Fighter Parody, so relations between the designers and other voice talents might not be peachy-keen. That's what you get for blasting one of your own and troubling your own house: you inherit the gas from your own butt.

This is actually a decent production, when you look at it. Subject matter notwithstanding, this has been a kind of collaboration that nearly mirrors the stuff they used to do in animation studios: everyone has a role. TheShadling provided background artwork and also obviously the title screen, and several good voice-over artists got scouted for roles. Animation and characterizations are top-notch. SpazKid assembled the finished product.

If GuitarmasterX7 isn't demolishing video games with his buddy Dexter in their "Sanity Not Included" series, he's found trying to establish himself in several satirical pieces on Newgrounds, including this one. Yeah... it was instant recognition with his voice. If he has a range of emotion and sound, he sure as hell doesn't bother to show it here. Only in a few spots, like when a scream breaks the register, does the voice-over or sound quality become poor.

"Kawaii Battle Stars" is a cruel, cruel dissertation on the plight of Manga and Anime that caters to the fairer sex in their youth, but it is also a cruel, cruel manifestation of the twisted minds of those who were never intended to watch such cartoons to begin with. It's one thing where you demolish a heroic epic or deride the misnomers and idiocy of the ruling party, especially if you happen to actually belong to that philosophical persuasion. It's always nice to hear the criticism from within rather than without, anyway; it pays dividends as to who is willing to listen and how they will take it. But swatting something from side to side that has little to nothing to do with you just seems... I don't know... NAGGING!

Besides, if I wanted to watch a cartoon about five girls screeching at each other over nonsense, I would head outside into the oppressive sunshine and hang out with a few. No need to barge into their conversation, just sit back and listen. Of course, given their efforts were earnest in their own way, I suppose we should just shut up and applaud Axel, TheShadling, GuitarmasterX7 and the rest of these jerks for providing us an opportunity to do that while sitting in front of the computer, eliminating the need for any female contact, period.

Personally, I prefer a day trip to Providence RI where, despite their constant chatter, the ladies are gorgeous and, of course, sane. And don't sound anything like GuitarmasterX7.

AxelTheNavy responds:

Shit man, good review lol.
And yes I am aware that it would be kosher to assign actual women to the voice roles, but I made a choice to keep the man voices. Not because I am a sexist or an autist who will pee their pants at the thought of approaching girls, but in a perfect world where I am the black-god-Adonis...all women shall be hairy with deep masculine voices.

[Giant Fish Stain 4]

Deliberate Suck

Welcome to the Suck, ladies and gentlemen. This caliber of animation always gets broadcasted on Adult Swim every night. Isn't it wonderful? And the production time is deplorable too so we can suspect that this will become some kind of undeserved mainstay among the Newgrounds audience, which will take eons of effort and mastering to get "just right" before the next episode debuts with a completely different tale without ever finishing what is meant to be a two-part series. This is why I hesitate to submit anything into the portal, because if this garbage gets front billing, who knows how much effort I have to put in so I can not only reestablish the standard of quality, but also thumb my nose at these talented hacks who ride solely upon the weight of their pens but not their brushes. Yeah, the writing is tongue-in-cheek, but if that's all I do while watching it, it doesn't mean a whole lot.

"Giant Fish Stain 4", the opus of a hard-working Armon Pakdel with voice characterizations by Mick Lauer, features the titular character, Donald Olfin, talking like a sarcastic surfer alongside trusty sidekick Steven (a 'ghost boy'?) and walking into another WEB216-colored hilly field where Internetfest is being held. He thinks the creator of the Internet is going to appear, but some kind of nonsensical revenge plot is underway. It doesn't get resolved until the next episode, due out in like eight months. Oh, and there's a "Cat Cube" commercial that doesn't specify how to actually order a "Cat Cube". The "Cat Cube" skit is based on one of Armon's prior animations, perhaps a form of filler.

Yeah, um... what to say that won't look like total filler in a review that will be overwhelmingly evil and derogatory toward these guys for just dishing it in... okay, here's one: don't bother clicking the link, period. It is bothersome to look at, for one, and another, the emphasis here is the writing. People emulate the Adult Swim style because most of those cartoons are chiefly digital animation combined with the nonsensical ravings of pop culture buffs, with an emphasis on surrealism. Maybe it's being paid tribute here... or being mercilessly harangued. Also, any Flash where the voice acting is the only real standout trait (and to wit, they are decent even after the miserable script that was written) is a Flash best avoided, because everyone will cite the animation, character design, and even the backgrounds as completely lazy, or if they have (they did) they will continue to do so. I haven't seen it this bad since Arfenhouse, but at least those cartoons were infectious, with a laugh at least every fifteen seconds. Here, the well of laughter is dry like fish bones.

This got Front Page because it refers to the Internet, and anything about the Internet is not just serious business... it's utterly hilarious, right? It also contains wonderful voice-overs by the overworked and under-appreciated Mr. Lauer, so his involvement must mean this bird will soar, right? No, I'm sorry. This pelican resembles a urinal: your argument is invalid.

dullsworth responds:

Sorry you didn't like it, hope you make your closing metaphor less gay next time. Maybe then I'll take your verbose rambling seriously then.

[Invisible Face: Part 1]

Noir

This could be the start of a series about a dissolute antihero with an invisible face, who can paint any face needed for a disguise and solve crimes or become a criminal himself in a mad scheme to even the playing field with those who don't deserve to smile. The pace and animation could be a little quicker, but it's compact in size and contains a silent film narrative both concise and unsettling. This is a solid first entry by a new author. Keep it up!

TiggUno responds:

Thank You! I Really Appreciate The Feedback! And Yeah I Was Thinking About Which Direction To Take This Story But Didn't Quite Grasp It Yet. Thanks For Your Input On How I Can Progress The Series, Its Very Helpful!

[Jae's Demo Reel (2011)]

Your Artwork is Also Very Creepy

You and I think alike. We weren't late because we were sucking Daffy Duck's dick, and we don't want to play XBox 360 because we just want to be teen wolves!

A lot of the material is very rough, but you got a strange sense of humor that suggests you should be animating far more often. I'll look up your catalog.

See? That's what a demo reel should do. Keep them interested in what you've done, until such a point that they make an informed decision about hiring or commissioning you. While the individual pieces are like miniature experiments, this demonstration deserves a higher score than this....

Jae responds:

thanks a lot for the detailed review xD

[The Ultimate Orb...]

Yeah, Whatever

Yeah, it makes cupcakes!

Is it just me, or do I want sandwich-eater to BOMB OUT OF THE COMPETITION?

Okay, so these two guys have this incredible "Ultimate Orb" that gets lost along the river and picked up by fantastic sentient confection. Will they get it back?

Yeah, and that's what sucks about it.

The facial expressions are there, but they seem like they got referenced from countless Internet memes. Those stupid chubby cheeks are just stupid. And why the hell does the formation change from a mix of candies to a unitary squad of storm lollipops during the battle sequence? Why? I'll tell you why: THE ARTIST WAS FUCKING LAZY! He didn't want to keep track of the enemy formations while working on a deadline, so he didn't bother resolving any continuity problems that came his way.

"The Ultimate Orb..." is a decent cartoon by most stretches, even if it failed to inspire me. It has a continuity problem and is, in general, dumb. At least the humor is clean.

CyanSandwich responds:

I can't say I disagree. Except the memes and wanting me to bomb out of the competition.

[Mario's Wonderland]

Lukewarm, Uneven Production full of Sprites

This is yet another

When describing the piece, "Polished Production" comes to mind as appropriate. The Mario voice isn't dead-on, but closer than what most people can do. The frame rate and sound quality are top-notch, and some of the graphic sequences like the "Drug Pyramid" are worth a Replay. The use of a Beatles song, "Flying" is almost appropriate. The fact that there is something close to a plot in a Mario sprite spoof is almost exemplary, although you can't be fooled by the "Wonderland" part of "Mario's Wonderland"; while inspired by drugs, it lacks the allegorical commentary found in Mr. Dodgson's original literature.

Here's where the problems start: this is just another pointless drug trip, and not a terribly funny one at that. The so-called "Moral" lacks any real comic punch, and the transitions from each scene contain nothing but bland Beatles references and boring flight patterns. Despite the name, this isn't an extravagant or beautiful production during the latter half, and it just flows out of sheer dullness.

Still, seeing this material redone in a new polished way lit up my face. It made me remember that the Newgrounds Admins have voiced resolutions that few sprite cartoons (if any) would make the Front Page. Even if this somehow acquired Daily First (it did), that does not mean thist thing gets to grace the Front Page. Considering the blandness during the latter half, I suppose that's a good thing. This makes me not want to take drugs: if hallucinations are not adventurous, wherein lies the point?

JosephAS1 responds:

Not everything has to make sense at all mah friend! :B

"1st Dialy", to tell the truth I did not even expected that prize, so tat's okay for me!

[The Evolution of MCAST]

Great Example of Effective Multimedia Presentation

You got me. The Malta College for Art, Science, and Technology looks interesting enough to look into.

This is more or less an animation describing a higher learning institute. Mick Lauer's voice-over provides a perfect complement to evoke the youthfulness of the college as well as provide a good, quick overview of the piece. As it went by, it became apparent to me that it might be a good place to attend after finishing up an AA stateside and transfer the credits over (if they even do that there).

If the intent was to advertise MCAST in a positive fashion, then the flash succeeds on more levels than what was originally intended. A flash that goes beyond what the author had intended for the piece is usually a good sign for the author.

BoMbLu responds:

Thanks for the positive feedback!

[Eepi Battle]

Yeh eet Soocks. Deliberately. Ferts Flesh! DUMB

Newgrounds occasionally awards Front Page to something that is funny in a bad way. This is one of them. Finnish animator Minilinkki composed an opus of sorts about stick figures fighting each other, featuring poor artistry, Juno Reactor's "Burly Brawl" fight music, and a boatload of sheer irreverence. Oh, and it's not worth watching. At all. and despite the comments given by the author, this is his third release... far from the first.

It mocks the inclination of every animator to label their animation as the first published effort, which goes hand-in-hand with several stereotypes: awful animation, nonsense plots, stick figures, and cliched cliches. It also features a fitting end, according to the laws of physics.

Even in the author comments, everything about this reeks of satire. However, it's long, drawn out, and mostly an in-joke for Newgrounds fans. It isn't meant to be serious... but it falls into a trap of not being a serious EFFORT, which is where all the problems begin. Even though it aims to be funny... it's not. In fact, this Flash does not have the appeal to become another worthless meme shared by millions of net-nerds, because it only appeals to the Newgrounds crowd. And the Newgrounds crowd is a very particular brand of net-nerd.

The chief reason why "Eepi Battle" gains Front Page status is because it lampoons the Newgrounds crowd. It tears them apart. Newgrounds always strives to find whatever sucks and derails it for what it truly is. Tom Fulp's "The Room Tribute" is a case in point. One of the collections featured in Newgrounds is the section that spoofs Newgrounds. "Eepi Battle" fits right in, considering there are proportioned humanoids (not sticks), so the "Sticks" section wouldn't work... but there is also the barbs aimed at animators, hence, Newgrounds spoof. It also sends barbs right at the audience for even thinking the movie is funny in any way, and for once I'm glad to have agreed. :)

"Eepi Battle" is a joke entry, but it isn't Spam because of its intrinsic emphasis on mocking something other than the audience's gullibility. It mocks a lot of things. Too bad the jokes miss every single time....

minilinkki responds:

Thank you !
This was really interesting to read ! :)