Neophyte-Ronin's movie Reviews on Newgrounds

[A Shiny Minecraft tale]

Hemingway

This tale reminded me very much of "The Old Man and the Sea", about an aging Spanish fisherman in Cuba who struggles to reel in and return a large Marlin to sell to the people. In the end, sharks manage to swarm and devour the fish, leaving him with a skeleton. Despite his failure, the other fishermen are astounded by the sheer size of the skeleton, about eighteen feet and five inches.

In "A Shiny Minecraft Tale", the honor of struggle, even against futility, is championed throughout a simple prospector's quest. After a brutal assault by a creeper during a long and difficult expedition, a lowly prospector builds up his defenses and trains hard to extract a massive payload of diamonds amidst a lake of lava and underworld vermin. Will his prize be everything he ever dreamed of?

Ernest Hemingway's last published novel (within his lifetime at least) had a similar sweeping tone rooted in Biblical-style storytelling. Here, the source is a bit more pragmatic, with a heavier emphasis on irony and cynicism. That torches the message entirely and makes the message murky at best. Little can stand up against "The Old Man and the Sea" and hope to win, let alone win, but an effort should be made on occasion. This is effortless, just another Minecraft parody that fails to transcend the traditional analysis of its useless collecting and building, more a programmer's experiment than an actual game.

The production values and narrative, standing on their own, stand tall nonetheless. It takes some effort to emulate the pixelated, block-driven style of Minecraft, even though it looks simple. It's just difficult to look at and get right, so props for the fans who make an effort. The music score is also solid.

Still, the plot is painful. It's just a twist ending but without the subtle hint of it being what it is. People who read mystery novels will pitch the book at the wall when they discover no real mystery in the novel. Similarly, the payoff for the joke is lukewarm, far detached from that lava lake. In "The Old Man and the Sea", we are introduced to sharks that threaten the prize itself (once claimed) and the fisherman makes an effort to repel them. Here, we just find out the material is as valuable as pyrite (Fool's Gold) without any indication of it being different than what the prospector anticipates (Diamonds, of course). This failing keeps the splendid action and animation far from becoming legendary, as the story fails to support all the hoopla. The only reason this gets high billing from most critics and viewers is because a palpable percentage have played Minecraft and are naturally sympathetic with what often happens inside that nefarious "Skinner Box".

"A Shiny Minecraft Tale" is less a thrilling comedic adventure cartoon than an outright moral tragedy with a depressing end. No matter how colorful the animation or swaying the soundtrack, it depicts the horrid fate of another plucky adventurer drawn into a dicey gambit with nothing but his determination and avarice. Only in the end does he understand his folly, right before the creatures swarm him. To pass this off as a mere parody of a video game is to short-change it, but when compared to a classic reminiscent of its approach, it falls short. The fact that it is compared to one of the literary classics, however, should be considered a gracious compliment. Regardless of the drawbacks, Willva's little tragic epic should enlighten and inspire any game-player in danger of sacrificing countless hours upon a series of monotonous quests for wealth whose lessons on life go unheeded by the vain ambition of those witless names the storytellers do not sing.

[Mario's Reward]

Oh yeah, who's number one now, bitch!

Hee hee, I'm the wiener! (Yes Mario, you sure are).

Well, this is an old joke, and kind of ridiculous when you look at it. I imagined there was something illicit inside the cake. It still works.

Anyway, this is another production by Laura Kerger (Artist Gamer Girl), who not only provided a good rendition of the Mario universe, but also did a decent Leslie Swan-era rendition of Princess Peach's voice in a stirring yet ridiculous tribute to an aging joke in video games.

When Mario bests Bowser, he takes his desire for the Princess to appropriately reciprocate to logical extremes. Her reaction, while priceless, is also realistic and also quite fair: you don't always get rewarded sexually, even for derring-do deeds. The cartoon has both adult content AND a moral, something that's almost unheard of in Newgrounds' collection of racy gags and adult humor.

That alone is something of an innovation. Most animators who like to display low-brow perversions fail to incorporate any real message into the story. What Laura has done, even if it was unintentional, was create a situation that, while racy, contains a lucid fact about relationships and women in general that had yet to be explained through the Flash medium: you never, ever, EVER use any lingering sense of altruism as a means to win someone over.

And unlike most of these gags, it is well-animated, sprite-free, and the voice-overs are spot-on. Production values are high. It sucks that this first appeared at YouTube, since you wade through plenty of troll gags and useless garbage before finding anything close to being a gem. Still, it's here, and soon the rest will be. It's good to see Laura is still going strong, although let's be honest: she can be doing much better without having to recycle old jokes like these--she even puts a unique spin (the moral) into them--and should sharpen her talents and skills upon original cartoons instead. Given its faults, Asaroki could use a renaissance, or maybe come up with the next best thing. There hasn't been a horror series worth mentioning since... what? Vampire Hunter Ina?

Anyway, don't request that this be shoved into the Mario Collection. Request it to be shoved into the Mario Collection AND the Adult Cartoon section. Maybe the perverts lurking through that garbage can learn a lesson.

P.S. The "Summary" title refers to Luigi's victory howl in Mario Kart Double Dash.

[Toons These Days: Ep. 2]

Best My Little Pony Rant Thus Far

Doodley has a cunning edge with his new "Toons These Days" pilot trilogy. The second part is a rant, short, quick, low on file size and high on laughs. Brian Fisher just became one of the most expressive voice-over talents on Newgrounds.

While far from the feather on a camel's back, this rant decrying My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic as a good cartoon stems from Alex Dudley's heart, as he fails to see the appeal of the franchise among adults. The Powerpuff Girls sans its violence and paired with Looney Tunes slapstick equals this show. In addition, the rant itself is a prospective series, a pilot describing one of its characters. Make that a megaton weight resting merrily upon the back of a seahorse.

It's a pretty basic, straightforward presentation with minimal yet expressive animation for the single character. It's not meant to be showy. The actual name of the show is never spoken, but the artwork will clue people in. Some of the gags are hilarious, and in fact some of the descriptions mentioned had me laughing out loud. Brian Fisher outdoes himself to articulate a true cantankerous felon with little respect for rebooted series. "Cross between Sailor Moon and Mr. Ed" is a phrase that warrants a replay, while "technicolor donkey" ought to become another slur for any detractor to mutter when confronted by a fan.

If I was an executive, I would green-light "Toons These Days" as a recurring series centered purely on ludicrous rants decrying the popular culture, akin to "You Are a Fucking Moron" without the profanity or outright social commentary. Cartoons like these are fresh and alive well after they have been produced, well after they appear to go out of style, because there isn't enough content to pin them to an age and they are approachable by all ages. Ironic, given its criticism of a show that the fans claim does the same thing! Even so, "Toons These Days" is likely more ambitious than a cleaner reboot of "You Are a Fucking Moron", so the third and final part of the pilot will help us decide whether to routinely log in for one of its latest episodes. Any luck, it's funnier than this one.

In any case, Brian and Alex have incredible synergy and should definitely continue to produce different cartoons whether "Toons These Days" is embraced or not. Brian ought to be sought after for projects more than Rice Pirate (which says a lot), while Alex is, well, Alex. Seeing him submit material more often is something of a no-brainer, folks. Finally, there ought to be more cartoons as clean and as funny as this. Keep your fingers crossed.

[Wake up for the ending]

Can I Sleep Through it Instead?

Thanks but the Northeast Coast of the United States got itself a brief snowstorm well before Halloween. It was a thick one, too, meaning several trees' branches fell and littered the roads and power lines. How's that for waking up for the ending?

Actually, despite the simplicity or downright crudity of background drawings, this is a pretty slick example of sparse but poignant traditional animation and blur effects, everything from leaves falling to snow falling through the air. The soundtrack is also cool although I'm pretty sure it isn't from the Audio Portal. In all, this is a nifty little piece that captures a moment of time and fixes your vision onto the screen until it ends. And as an early effort, it lacks a replay screen and simply loops.

There could be more to this piece, but for what it is, it has a certain beauty one cannot deny is there. 7 of 10.

[I Like Trains]

They Wrote a Song about THIS Guy?

This requires an epilepsy warning, big time.

After seeing so many virulent "Robot Chicken" ripoffs on Newgrounds, including the ASDFmovies, it's nice to know that at least one memorable character spawned from it.

This is a Music Video, a rather nonsensical tale about a kid who's only phrase summons a train that obliterates whatever is annoying him. The music is by Todd Bryanton, an electronic ska rock number you can almost hear on Top 40 Radio. The video is a standard "story-of-his-life" epic with black and white characters of such revolting simplicity and plainness as to question the authors' artistic capabilities.

One of the main problems that this sort of video has is its reliance on people who know the origins of the joke. I had only seen the ASS=DUFF MOVIE THREE (or was it four?) where a guy goes "Die Potato" and the Potato's like "NO!" and then this kid shows up and says, "I Like Trains." Yeah, and then the train shows up. It's random, absurd, and doesn't stand on its own (it's good after several other pointless skits, since they build up over time). I don't get the appeal, unless it's just a recurring gag that a few people might notice--out of those who actually go out of their way to watch another edition of ASS-DUFF. In other words, it has very limited appeal.

The second problem with this gig is the sudden inclusion of rainbows. Is this a Nyan Cat revival or a music video with actual class? Neither, apparently. The rainbows' colors don't bother to twirl or rotate smoothly; the color panels themselves blink into each color in a consistent pattern. What this does is mess with the eyes of people with neurological disorders. The lack of a seizure warning in the Author Comments is the quickest, easiest method of preventing a public outcry over health and safety, although other submissions that wish to use a similar rainbow effect ought to just create a circle with slices of color, and then motion tween the thing to rotate. Not all instances of rainbows were damning of course, and the introduction of color adds a whimsical contrast to the standard, if abrasive black-and-white affair of most ASS-DUFF cartoons.

What the video does get right is the catchy song by Todd Bryanton and the superb smoothness of the train animations by Josh Palmer. It's infectious and silly pop with an appropriate video to match. It's also a compact file size, less than 3 MB, almost unheard of for most music videos these days, and the sound quality is slick to match. These three did a superb job at creating a tribute to a ridiculous gag and making something memorable. However, for the music to stand on its own without video accompaniment, sound cues detailing what HAPPENS whenever he says, "I Like Trains" (fast-moving freight trains slamming into people, of course) is almost required for outsiders to get the joke. Finally, put some distance between the end of the music video and the beginning of the brief advertisement; it's almost as if they bleed together as one, and that makes the concept of the music video--a promotional film describing the song and its content as something of a sales pitch--rather redundant.

Good job overall, but there are a few kinks that keep this from being a perfect production.

[Friendship is Poopy]

MY LITTLE PONY!

Does anybody get the nagging suspicion that this thing might get featured on the front page despite how much it sucks? It put a smile on my face, not to mention a few tears as I laughed like crazy.

[The Guy With The Face]

Something Beyond Madness

A Madness cartoon without violence is actually pretty experimental, but this is more like a topical documentary overall. It almost qualifies under Drama or Noir, because it isn't really meant to be funny. It's also very political, with people spouting "face-ist" in regards to the matter at hand.

This is a very cool flash, because it sticks out of the typical premise of Madness by incorporating actual voice-overs and a more somber atmosphere up to and including the non-techno soundtrack, a radical departure. It is also the first Madness in recent memory not to include the standard array of mutants somewhere out in Nevada, instead placing the original faceless folk in an unnamed city living typical lives. Peel back the tribute to a violent cartoon series and discover a biopic-style one-against-the-system story about rejection and alienation.

Wronchi accomplished something quite different when he created this Madness tribute: he created something far beyond Madness itself. He actually created a drama that transcended its origins so well, if you never knew what the Madness cartoons were, you'd swear this belonged to another category. That's an achievement in itself. The fact that it's a Flash less than 2 MB also adds to its appeal.

5/5 and 10/10

[Scott Cole]

A Sick Animation not rated Mature? GTFO!

Crude animation: check. Low file size: check. Struggle on part of reviewers to classify it as total garbage or grand hilarity: check. But wait! Why is this rated so low?

Oh I remember: not everybody appreciates Marc's "Sick Animations".

Whatever.

This is far less offensive than most cartoon of his ilk. For that, it's a departure. It takes a couple replays for you to understand the premise: this guy isn't all there to begin with.

It's not as grand a twist as with previous installments, but it's got a charm all its own. It's also twisted throughout. It's a "T" rating, which is exemplary; he actually rated it appropriately for once.

Good job.