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198 Audio Reviews

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I AM A PARAGONX9 FANBOY

And I don't care.

This is a cool interpretation of her music. It rivals EvilDog's Metropolis cover. The intro is particularly spine-tingling in its reverberating coolness.

I've downloaded all your latest, just so you know. Keep up the good work!

It's "their" NOT "there"

I bet you were angry when you made that mistake. I'd be too--they're zero voters, after all.

This one starts out without the traditional wankfest and has a distinction as being hardcore or radio friendly hard rock. I don't hear enough Mustaine or Hetfield, although some stations have a "Mandatory Metallica", so I don't get to hear a lot of wanking on the radio, not like there used to be. While your catalog is full of awesome wank, it is this song that runs the best chance of achieving heavy air time... which is ironic, given your setup.

Still, the fact that I'd suggest radio in my review should clue you in to the track's quality. It's not the best mastering, but Death Magnetic and Black Ice are albums that suffer a similar dilemma but still rake in a killing at the music store. Always consider that while you're aiming for the big time, Jonus.

Metaljonus responds:

Ah typo's happen LOL. I guess it could be radio rock friendly haha. I appreciate the comment on the quality! At the moment I really just have one good working ear. so my mixing is'nt the best. Thanks for listening!

A Love Triangle Destined to End in Tragedy

This asshole ConnieB wants to marry your fuckin' catalog. I bet you a Franklin a good portion of the voters--Zero Voters included--want to marry your catalog. If this asshole marries this song, I'll be the jealous ex-lover that shotguns the both of them. Fuckin' loser....

Just kidding. This song rocks, of course.

Metaljonus responds:

imma use that for a song title lol. watch

Smooth and Silky, With or Without the Sheets!

Think of it like Video Game Music. Not many people considered the tunes from games to be as vital and complex as anything else the popular musicians produced, but there you have it... people strive hard to capture the essence and emotion of Schala's Theme on piano. Yasunori Mitsuda is immortalized through the following of so many players.

Background tracks are important in erotic media. The movies that vie toward a plot (the themes of which typically explore love, lust, romance, and heartbreak) often require something more to stir the audience's emotion. Without an erotic track like this, the audience might interpret a sexual liaison as empty pleasure or cheap thrill. The tone of the music usually guides the audience, especially since most screen performers of the erotic persuasion got into the business on looks alone, and they often butcher even excellent scripts, let alone ones already butchered by their playwrights.

The saxophone needs to go. Or at least find a better approximation of the instrument. If you switched the sax out with another prominent instrument, would we consider it a stereotypical erotic track? That's something worth checking out. Also, if the sax rose up in pitch near the end (it tends to become monotonous), then it would signal that the scene is nearing a climax. I know it's a dirty business, but there's an audience for this stuff.

Anyway, don't kill yourself over composing tracks that sound eerily similar to a porno. Few musicians around here are vested in composing tracks that deal directly with romance or love. The trance is about dance, Hip-Hop has choppers, shotguns and hookers, while metal is about "ROAR! HAIL SATAN". See, I'm out of practice with dancing, I prefer jets, and the last hooker I tried to pick up waved a badge AND a fucking shotgun. And you know what? FUCK SATAN! Fucker owes me cash. And don't ask about the synthesizer symphony composers, for that crowd is limp. After all that softness, some moments demand hardness (no pun intended).

And it's very hard to hate a musician like you, who sticks it out regardless of her misgivings with her track. You've improved considerably over the years, through your newer versions of old songs, remixes or alternate versions, and your current dive into the overlooked genre of jazz. And hey... who cares if it sounds like porno music? The pornos that don't have music utterly lack aesthetic value; they often fall into the traps of exploiting the female aesthetic and distorting the realities of human relationships. If any Newgrounder interested in a tit fest makes one and uses this track, then you will have saved his sorry ass from being touted as a living cultural deficit.

Nice work. Keep it up... all night if need be.

Hot!

Sounds like jazzy erotic background music, which encompasses everything from dancing to copulating. It would involve a great deal of romance, foreplay, and none of that "Get Out Bitch" flavor from the man, no matter how rigged we are to have such grotesquely opposite priorities. Quite frankly, if one of us pulls himself together, Newgrounds will have its first softcore porn sequence to boast about, helpful or hurtful for your reputation.

This has a slick production, although the volume is a bit high....

SolusLunes responds:

True, the leveling is something I'll eventually get around to fixing...

eventually...

:(

man I'm lazy XD

This is Someone's Theme Song

If you wanted an effective sound effect of burping, try my brother. His name is Helbereth, and he has submitted through several flash collaborations and also produced a promo animation for our alleged film division, Intrepid Corsair Films, which involves him belching at the very end, shaking the symbol down. He can burp on command--rusty, but it's like riding a bike. Send a PM his way if you want to do this sort of bullshit on a routine basis. By all means drag us into your horrible conspiracy!

SolusLunes responds:

Ah, I don't do nearly enough comedy songs.

But if I DO decide to go on a hardcore comedic jag, I'll do just that. :D

We Don't Smoke Pot, Yo!

You and I have a similar world perspective and a love of the irreverent. Kevin Smith doesn't get enough respect around here... hell, anywhere!

Live Action Role-Playing

That's what it stands for. If someone stuck to sequentially porting 8-Bit Theater to Flash, this might have been Vilbert Von Vampire's theme song.

Vocals are overpowered and the synths aren't their greatest, but it has a charm of "suck" attached to it, which is why it would be Vilbert's theme. The last "Larrrp" is a runner-up to the voice-over for Vilbert's LARP buddy Sulk (the Hulk parody in the comic).

Nice to know that 90% of all heavy metal musicians have an outrageous sense of humor.

You're Right, It Sucks.

The solo stuck out as supremely off timing and plain horrible.

The proper application is not for someone's theme song, or bona fide battle music, but rather the background ghetto blaster while someone's trying to have a conversation. For added measure, have the ghetto blaster shut off. Hell, someone take a fucking hammer to it.

You've improved. These days, it's Piss coming from our Asses, happily sung by Speed Metal Messiah. Welcome to the Audio Portal.

I Wholeheartedly Endorse This Product (OF GENIUS!)

If you look underneath this review, note how Bad-Man Incorporated (ala "Mr. Hey Fuckers Eat My Metal") asks Sephora about possible collaboration, having enjoyed the harshness of her catalog. I should not have acted so surprised; I recommended BMI or even GoreBastard to her in my reviews of her material.

I should have realized that referring Sephora to BMI and his contemporaries was not without said contemporaries knocking at her door also. Hopefully they understand and behold the coffin behind her as she answers her door. They should stare longingly into her dwelling, hoping she will let them in, but it is clear that these bloodsuckers are like company, peas in a pod.

If you grasp the metaphor correctly, you can deduce my next comment: Esoteric Defense, with freakish monster moans in the background, sounds similar to soundtracks of movies that are based on Anne Rice novels. It's almost erotic, really... perhaps the bassline plays tricks on us. Let's not forget that the darkest moments in humanity often correspond to the most selfish dimension of love: the eros. Esoteric Defiance isn't as noisy or as harsh as Sephora's previous industrial songs, but it is gorgeous and even slick in its expression. It's recommended for anyone who seeks something utterly different from ordinary radio-friendly music... the one who burns countless CDs for use in their automobiles.

When one is drained of all humor, anything beautiful is met with one of two things: disdainful worry or worrisome disdain. Anything ugly is met with violence. Flash is complex and beautiful, not a toy. Keep that in mind... or things get ugly real quick.

Age 41, Male

Student & Volunteer

Quinsigamond Community College

Upton, MA USA

Joined on 9/3/03

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