Neophyte-Ronin's movie Reviews on Newgrounds

[A story of Noah's Ark]

What Are You Trying to Prove?

According to the Profile, Mr. Finley is a radio talk host for the show "Live with the Infidel Guy" in Atlanta, Georgia. It sounds creepy.

I can always play "Devil's Advocate" and say that this guy is only voicing his opinion about the sacred text we also collectively call the "Book of Life." He has serious concerns about it's interpretation, some of which might possibly be valid--

--if you were a complete moron, possibly.

First of all, Jesus is not specifically God and did not exist until Mary was confronted by Gabriel. So don't flame him about the flood. Secondly, God saw the corruption both in the general population and in a race of "giants" (which were conceived by fallen angels screwing human women) that went up against God's will and the will of nature. Naturally, He went to extreme measures to stop the madness.

If that meant that innocent three year-old girls were to be killed, then so be it, He thought. Not everybody was evil; if you look at it, God would judge everybody fairly as He always does. If you don't think so, He might as well judge you unfairly and then hear you whine about it for eternity.

So, in a nutshell, the movie content is fundamentally flawed and does not even spark a smile. Also--and forgive me if I do not precisely recall the Bible--I don't remember Noah being a public exhibitionist. Who would ask a public exhibitionist to build the ark and preserve the land-dwelling animals of the earth?

Sick.

[Balthor's Tales From Hell]

Right on Track About Subject Matter

What that means is that this Flash, in an attempt to convey a little humor about what goes on in Hell, pretty much summarizes the depth of depravity one experiences down there. Thank God for jerks that know that Hell is:

#1: The impossibility of reason, and
#2: A place where you CANNOT beat the system, no matter the tactic.

I'm willing to bet that religious folk probably wouldn't be as offended as you think they can be. Being fairly spiritual, I happen to understand the risks of being a total jackass like the two morons in the short were (in life). Let it be a fair and severe warning to the rest of us.

On top of that, I laughed pretty hard.

[FF6 Quest part 1]

Could use some work

Before you move onto other things, why not tweak and polish away the bugs of the series first?

[Friday The 13th Part Deux]

I Always Hated Dead Teenager Flicks

They are called "Dead Teenager" Movies, where gratuitious amounts of teenagers and kids are brutally slaughtered by a single, nightmarish entity. These movies managed to score a good gross of cash when they were original. Their days ended, but along came the "Scream" series, "I Know What You Did Last Summer," "Fear Dot Com," and many others.

The modern and 80s era Dead Teen Fests were spoofed by the "Scary Movie" series (one of my favorite movie franchises), and it is about time they ripped Freddy and Jason apart. They still manage to produce movies on these guys, like "Freddy versus Jason." Spoofing Jason through his only video game has been necessary since Newgrounds came to be.

Unfortunately, the first attempt is met with mixed emotions. For instance, a great deal of the humor is centered upon Crystal Lake and it's denizens, but not on the enigmatic killer whom stalks it endlessly. I can't understand why there couldn't be more humor directed toward Jason than anything else. Also, the humor is much like Scary Movie, but not with the same gusto. True, that movie was a multi-million dollar project from a studio, but any idiot could have scripted the insanity portrayed therein. Last, but not least, the movie features Duke Nukem and clips of his voice-overs. It was worth a chuckle only the first time I played his game on the N64. Unimpressive.

However, the effort of four months is not to be torn down outright. It is about time someone came along and gave Jason a direct smashing of satire. I just hope the next time will have more humor where it should rightfully go.

[One Ring to Rule Them All]

They Needed One of These

Nobody was spoofing any of the Lord of the Rings flicks for many reasons:

#1: Nobody felt confident enough that they could scrounge up enough outside footage and material from sources other than their own, and

#2: Nobody would dare chastise or condemn Lord of the Rings in any way.

However, rounding up his skill and courage, Joseph Blanchette (or "Legendary Frog," as he is typically known) managed to create an over-the-top Sauron and a situation involving pizza and pissy-fit demands from a union of orcs. Basically, he outdid himself in terms of humor, but it isn't the most technically spectacular flash in his collection. It's still an enjoyable romp, though.

[The Return of Ganondorf]

"#1 of ALL TIME" For Good Reason

Finally giving Ganondorf a genuine heart is much better than the conniving punk we know him to be. At least Link can go out and slay other jerks in Hyrule and not the same evil freak all the time.

Is Mr. Blanchette the only guy that puts his soul into these Flash cartoons? Dare I say it: he should propose a deal with the television networks. Or with the game industry on several levels. His style is capable of adapting all sorts of characters into a single form. This guy is going places above and beyond his humble beginnings as a Flash cartoonist.

I smiled. Then I laughed. Then I laughed some more. Then some more--well, you get the idea.

[FF Tribute - Chocobo Mix]

Dear Joseph,

If you at least read overwhelmingly positive reviews, then perhaps you are reading what may be a nice idea. Before that, let me say a few things:

First, this "Breakout" Flash of yours is top-notch. Secondly, you may consider making a Flash game based either upon your "Galactic War Saga" or one of the video games you enjoy making tributes to. Basing the mechanics upon D&D is a good way to start. Finally, the nice pre-loader based on 8-Bit Theatre is necessary.

Anyway, how about proposing a little game? If a Forum poster wins, they can get something special (I don't know what it could be, but we can figure something out--maybe a message about them getting a life or something). The objective is to identify every last Final Fantasy character. All of them. Every last one of them.

P.S., My only real gripe is that nobody from Final Fantasy Tactics made an appearance. I can understand why. Near the end of the game, there's a ton of characters in the Biography section to keep track of.

[All Your Pie]

A Reason Why Legendary Frog is Legendary

I would dare anybody with any amount of nerve to attempt a thorough blamming of anything that comes from the mind of Mr. Blanchette. He is one of the finest flash artists on Newgrounds for many reasons:

#1: He's clean, and still funny.
#2: Instead of adapting sprites from video games, he re-creates them using his own style--caricatures of the original versions. Smooth cartooning, justifying a web comic featuring his favorite video game characters (if he has the time).
#3: He enjoys his work immensely. It shows.

Even if you're unsure as to what the "Galactic War Saga" is, play this movie anyway. It has all the charm of a Saturday morning cartoon without having to wake up early on a Saturday.

[FartMaul]

Same Here, I Cried Too!

Whomever made this stink really has seen too much Taco Bell. I cried as well as the last guy, so this one is also on my favorite list. Simple, straightforward, and flat-out merciless execution, sound, and everything else makes the flash quite cool. The best parts are that the load time is minimal, there is no play button and it loops around. It's pretty good to have it playing in secret in the background when you're showing your girlfriend and all her friends around your house!

What more could you ask for? Darth Maul getting slashed through the gut and releasing ALL OF HIS GAS AT ONCE UPON OBI-WAN? Oh, wait! Somebody sick enough can probably pull that off easy! Think of it as the official sequel to Fart Maul!

[Vegeta's Problem]

Pretty Damn Nasty

There are several things to take note of:
First--Vegeta stays very much in character.
Second--Constipation is known to get like that.
Third--He should have considered stool softeners.
Fourth--Either the earth was destroyed or it simply got covered in Vegeta's brown essence. The movie cut out at an inopportune time to make any determination.
Finally--This movie is damned funny. I smiled and laughed, so good job!